"I am seeing someone...and he's pretty terrific, except I don't see him committing or settling down in my lifetime! He's so much fun to be with but what's in the future for us?"

In my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I briefly describe PanMan. The guy with the Peter Pan complex. The guy who never wants to grow up. And he certainly doesn't want to commit. He is not one of the Dirty Seven because they do want to commit--commit to making your life a living hell. No, PanMan is lovable, fun to be with, nice as can be--but will never settle down and be in a committed relationship.

PanMan may even have commitment-phobia. I come across so many who clearly exhibit a fear of commitment. They literally avoid commitment, or sabotage and stall the processes that bring it about. They see commitment the way a phobic sees a snake or spider. It brings them such terror, they'd rather avoid it altogether.

Here is what I wrote about PanMan:

"This guy does not want to grow up. He has what is known as The Peter Pan Complex. Since whole books have been dedicated to this concept, I will not cover it here. Some men exist who do not want to be men. They want to remain boys their whole life. If you are constantly thinking, “Oh, grow up!” when you observe your guy’s actions, he is probably a PanMan.

"He is actually a variation of the YAPpie, except that PanMan is not always young. This variety spans all age groups. He can be quite mature in years and still act immature. He likes to be a kid, with his collection of toys and games. He also likes to watch sports to the extent that his day is ruined if his team loses. He sits on the sidelines watching a game with more enthusiasm than he ever shows for making plans for his life. His game-love always outweighs his love for you.

"While he is playing and watching others play, he neglects the unsavory adult aspects of life, such as taking responsibility and cleaning up the mess he made. He doesn’t want a serious relationship because he might have to make a commitment, which is way too grown up for him to stomach. If he does move in with you, expect to end up taking care of him. He is not capable of looking out for you.

"His lack of relationship skills bleeds into his work-life as well, if he has a job. He does not have a career. That is too adult and far-thinking. He has a series of low-level jobs like a teenager just starting out in the world. When he is on the job he plays around a lot, with games, being a Monday morning quarterback, and playing pranks. He does not spend time thinking about how he could improve anything around him, the job, his financial standing, or your future together."

So what do you do if you are involved with PanMan? You can enjoy him for what he is and not expect him to be what he is not. Though he is not one of the Dirty Seven, in that he won't do you any harm, if you wait around for him to change and commit, you are deluding yourself. It's best to love him for what he is and continue to seek the one who will commit to you with all his heart.

Labels: Peter Pan Complex, relationships