Are you the Other Woman?

"Three years ago I began an affair with a married man. I never thought that I would spend three years with this man but I fell in love and I listened to the promises he made.  

"I have told him so many times that if he has no intentions of leaving his wife, to leave me alone. But he wouldn’t let our relationship drop, and so I believed he would leave her.

"Actually he did leave her about five months ago and he gave me some story about how we need to wait because he doesn’t want to give her reason to come after even more of his money and like a fool I believed him. But something didn’t ring true and he wasn’t spending any more time with me, in fact it was less.

"And then I discovered that he has a new girlfriend! I am devastated! He’s not hiding her away and they seem quite serious! But he’s been sleeping with me periodically so I’m still the Other Woman, only this time, it’s not even to his wife!

"What should I do? I have invested too much of my time to just walk away but it seems like he only wants me on the side and I want more than that! Why has he chosen her and not me?”

Advice in two words: Dump him! He's a SideMan and he will never change. That is why he is one of The Dirty Seven. The Dirty Seven are the seven types of men who are looking for a relationship but do not have the emotional wherewithal to sustain one.

Here is how to tell if you are The Other Woman:

1. You claim to want to be independent and without commitment. That's why you tolerate your position. But you are in denial about this.

2. You’re very comfortable with secrecy, even with people you regard as close friends

3. You’re inclined to put your life on hold for guys, often letting work and family suffer when you’re in a relationship.

4. You have low self-esteem.

5. You find it easy to delude yourself by believing in the possibilities and the potential.

6. You have thought that you are second best with other relationships or even with your family.

7. You ignore red flag behavior and have a habit of only focusing on the "good" things.

8. You end up choosing men when you’re in a desperate place emotionally.

9. You hang with a number of women who are also Other Women.

10. You allow sex to blind your judgment and mistake good sex and a physical connection for a reason to stay invested.

11. You fear being alone but you also fear what comes with a fully committed, relationship.

12. You’re makes ultimatum or set deadlines that are never followed through on.

13. You have an inability to come to closure.

14. You struggle with setting and keeping boundaries. They tend to extend to accommodate bad behavior.

A woman will often find herself on the downward spiral of being the Other Woman because he makes her feel special. He appears unable to resist her because he appears to be willing to risk his other relationship. If a man is trying it with you when he has someone at home, there must be something wrong with the main woman.

But actually, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong with her. Some men will be players no matter how good they have it. They’d tell you otherwise and make you feel like it’s a special occasion that he’s doing this with you.

We’re too busy thinking what must be wrong at his end to concern ourselves with the fact that if he’s screwing around behind someone else’s back, not only is it a poor indicator of his character, but it’s an indicator of how poorly he regards you.

You cannot base your decision to walk away based on the fact that three years have gone by, otherwise, no one would end their relationships. You need to base your decision to walk away on YOU and the only way you are going to do this is to build your self-esteem.

Women who place themselves in situations like this, seem gravitate to situations that highlight their "Second Best" issues. Many are used to hanging in the shadows, fighting for attention, trying to win, trying to prove their worth against another adversary.

But placing yourself in situations like this is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy where you set yourself up to fail and get to continue believing that you’re not good enough.

You’re never going to be more than second best if you assume a permanent position of the Other Woman. Every single time this man uses you and then goes back to someone else, he is validating every negative thing you believe about you.

You don't have to put up with the antics of a SideMan. Dump him. Don't worry. He will soon find someone to take your place. Someone else with low self esteem who will tolerate being second best.

For more info: See my article on SideMan and my book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware.