Dating after Divorce: A New Chance

They say that it takes a year and a half to fully get over a divorce and that if you are dating someone before that period of time, you are not really ready for a relationship. You are still reeling from the shock of it. That depends though, on who got divorced and who did the divorcing. For some people who have been in a hellish marriage, dating within the same month as the divorce may be completely appropriate for them.

Many factors determine whether you can get over your ex and get on with your life. And everyone is an individual, so there are no definite rules. It all depends on your readiness to move and and how you have healed.

As Associated Press' Karl Withakay put it, "A good test to see how you feel the first time you see your ex with someone else. I recall my experience when that happened to me. I showed up at herapartment to pick up our son. She answered the door in her robe with her hair messed up. She obviously just got out of bed. She was fetching my son's things when a man came out of her bedroom with no shirt or shoes and wearing just a pair of sweat pants. They had obviously spent the night together. Well she was very nervious and uncomfortable as she introduced us which was natural and a bit entertaining as far as I was concerned. I stayed for just a minute or two chatting with the man. After I left, I recall waking across the parking lot to my car with my son and feeling a sense of well being. I had always wondered how I would feel when I eventually saw that and I was fine. I felt NOTHING. I wasn't hurt, angry or jealous at all. I was just fine. It was then that I knew that I had HEALED. I could now begin dating after divorce and feel relaxed about it and totally emotionally free."

Being emotionally free is the key point. Otherwise, you will be like ScarMan, continually rehearsing all the hurts, the grueling details of the divorce and custody battles, and never really focus on getting to know the potentially new person in your life.

It also depends on what you want from the new person. Are you looking to them as an escape, to make the pain go away? Do you just want something casual or are you looking for your next life partner? As Withakay says, "If LOVE and a relationship that grows is what you're after, it is best to wait to heal before you begin dating after divorce."

The emphasis is on healing and understanding what you want. Otherwise the new relationship is set up to fail. Don't think dating will put a band-aid on your life while you stuff your emotional wounds under the carpet or spew them to the next willing listener. Dating is not a session with a shrink, it is a venue for people to get to know each other better. If you are still reeling from divorce, it's best to sort out your priorities and heal before plunging into more emotional turmoil, especially if you have children.

See my article: Sex and the Single Mom, which also applies to the single dad.

For more info: See The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.