Sex and the single mom

Single mothers need love and romance too. Yet they know that it's not a good idea to keep introducing a succession of men into their children's lives. It is especially heart-breaking if their children form an attachment to the man they introduce and then the relationship ends.

As Rita Rudner says, "Whenever I meet a guy I ask myself, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Here are some good ideas for keeping it emotionally safe for all involved:
1. It's not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you on a date. Wait until you're very sure about the relationship before you let your kids think of someone as your boyfriend. "Have a reliable sitter lined up," suggests JoAnn Magdoff, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York, "So you don't end up bringing children along before you're ready."

2. Don't turn him into "Daddy" too soon. "Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away," adds Magdoff. Until you've actually decided that the time is right, don't ask him to pick up your son from karate just because it's on his way over for dinner. "Hold back," Magdoff says. "Don't have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, 'But karate class is right by his office,' then it's time."

3. Be discreet but don't lie. If you are not married but having sex with your man, if the children are old enough to understand, explain why it's OK under certain circumstances to be intimate and not married. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.

4. Don't be desperate. Don't let your your hormones make your decisions. Maybe it's more important for you to be at the little league playoffs than away for the weekend with your honey.

5. Don't use your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. Get a sitter, leave the kids with Mom, and go out!

6. When you're out, don't feel guilty about not being with the kids. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. "Five minutes max," she says.

7. Leave when it's time. One of the more trying moments in a single mother's life is splitting up with someone her kids care about. Women have stayed in bad relationships "for the kids." This makes even less sense when you're not married.

8. Expect resistance from the kids, sometimes. Magdoff says, "Lots of times women are dating perfectly nice guys and their kids are horrible to them, especially if it's the first guy after the divorce or the first one you get serious about." One articulate ten-year-old Magdoff knows admitted to his mother: "It's not Bill who's the problem—I like him. It's you. I used to have you all to myself, and now I have to share you." Acknowledge and accept kids' feelings. Say, "I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do."