He makes less than I do. . . .

Keisha, an attractive single lawyer, seems to have everything a young woman could want. At 29, she earns a great salary, owns her own condominium, vacations twice a year, and has a close and loving relationship with a man she loves.

Though friends and co-workers admire Kiesha's lifestyle, she is frustrated and unhappy. Recently, her boyfriend, a sanitation worker, proposed, and although she wants to say yes, she fears her family and upwardly mobile friends will find her choice of a man unsuitable. "Tyrone is a constant reminder of where I came from," explains Kiesha. "My parents worked hard to send me to school so I could be something better. They expect me to marry well. Now, Tyrone wants to get married and I haven't even told them we're dating. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to hurt my family either."

For the past nine months, Sharonda, 24, a business owner, has been having an affair with Derion, 27, a house painter. Like Keisha, Sharonda is attractive and successful -- and torn about her choice of a man. "Derion is everything I've always wanted in a man -- handsome, honest, caring -- so you'd think I'd be happy, right? Wrong. I know this sounds snobby but I'm afraid of telling my friends and family. What will I say when people ask me what he does? `Oh, he paints houses when the weather is good.' I mean he spends his time putting paint on a wall."

Everywhere you turn today, you see white-collar Black women like Keisha and Sharonda in love with blue-collar men. Far from uncommon, these relationships are burgeoning as the number of women attending college and employed in professional occupations in Newark continues to outdistance men. Kiesha and Sharonda are just two stories in the increasing number of educated, well-employed women stuck in the problem of the White Collar Woman with the Blue Collar Man.

Even though "it sounds so stuck-up," according to several women I spoke with, the problems such a relationship can spawn range from the superficial (her entire wardrobe is made up of designer clothes and jewelry; he doesn't own a suit) to the important (her friends, family and business associates see the relationship as "a step down," thus making it the source of private frustration and public embarrassment).

Howard University family therapist Audrey B. Chapman has counseled blue-collar/white-collar couples and explains how a difference in professional standing can affect the emotional equilibrium between a man and a woman. "Men really need to feel that a woman isn't going to trade them in for someone `better'," says Ms. Chapman. "When you start throwing around jobs and titles, you're sending the wrong message about what is important to you. If it's going to work, both people have to be very secure about who they are and what they mean to each other. I know one couple where the woman is a Ph.D. and her husband only finished high school, but they're very compatible because she doesn't shove under his nose who she is and how much money she makes. She relates to him as a person, not a job title, and he can feel the sincerity of that."

Talisha Williams, 43, an equal employment specialist for the state government who has been married to her husband, J. W., a Newark police officer, for 22 years, agrees with Chapman that it is the man, not his job, that counts. "The difference in our jobs was never a problem for us," she says, "because unlike a lot of men who can be intimidated by a woman's success, J. W. always encouraged me to be all I could be. He understood that the more money I made, the better lifestyle that meant for us both."

Women like these professionals are having successful relationships with blue-collar men because they believe, that while their job title may carry more status, their man is their equal. Problems can arise, however, when others fail to give their partners equal respect. How do they keep such attitudes from straining their relationship? According to them, the credit must go to her husband, "He is so secure with himself that he understands it's their problem, not his."

Experts agree, that whether or not such partnerships will work depends on the values the couple considers important. If a woman needs a lot of external status symbols to be happy, or if she measures her self-worth by the opinions of others, the relationship is doomed to fail. If shared values and human qualities are of primary importance, the relationship can prosper.

"If you had told me five years ago that I would marry a man who climbs ladders and fights fires, I would have told you that you were crazy," says Cherily, owner of an office personnel services who is married to firefighter. "I have a message for all those professional women who don't want to date blue-collar men: Ladies, you are missing the boat. Opportunity doesn't always come in neat packages that wear three-piece suits and carry a briefcase."
Or, as another white collar woman married to a blue collar guy says, "Never place too much emphasis on a person's job so that you forget what's important is what a person is, not what he does."

Mind you, I am not talking about the get-over artists that are just looking to live off of a woman, who conveniently "forgets" thier wallets on every date, who expects you to foot the bill if you are going to go out and do anything, and whom you drive around because their car was impounded (if they ever could afford to own one). That is another topic, The YAPpie, one of the Dirty Seven I will discuss in more detail later.

Office Romance: Should You?

If you are a single professional, you might spend more time at the office than at home. You are like a lot of single men and women who don't have the time to meet new people. You might be tempted to find potential partners within your environment -- the office.

Maybe you feel that work is a natural place to meet new people. After all, you spend at least 40 hours a week there. Relationships with co-workers can be especially tempting because the hourly demands don't leave much time for socializing outside.

According to a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management, 58 percent of executives view office romances as unprofessional; 38 percent believe they end in disaster; and many more believe that they wreak havoc on morale. And, let's not forget that office affairs have the potential to lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.

A study by Vault.com shows that almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone at work and that workplace relationships often can be successful; roughly one-quarter result in long-term relationships and even marriage. So let me present to you the pros and cons of office romance:

Pros:
1. You save time and money by not having to search outside the premises.

2. You already have an idea of what he or she's is like because you have seen them in action over time. So there won't be unpleasant surprises.

Cons:
1. No matter how well the relationship is going, it can be disastrous if you have too much face time with each other. If you work together, go out together, have sex together, spend weekends together, it may be too much togetherness.

2. Office romances may interfere with your ability to perform your professional duties. Imagine telling your girlfriend or boyfriend that they're fired? Or being fired by your lover. You may be accused of conflict of interest or favoritism. This lowers everyone's morale. There's nothing worse than seeing a boss favoring another employee for sexual reasons.

3. If things don't work out, things can become awkward. You have both seen each other in the most intimate situations. Now there is a chill in the air between you. I have known many women through the years who have had to leave their jobs because an office romance went sour. When they have dated their bosses, they were fired after the end of the affair.

So do you think you can carry it off? You can if you don't come back together, disheveled after long lunches, with transcendent grins on your lipstick-smeared faces. Also, don't send romantic or sexy e-mail to each other through company e-mail. I can be checked and you can be fired.

If you are discreet, sensible, and take time to make sure the relationship will not interfere with the workplace, an office romance may be right for you.

ScarMan: The First of the Dirty Seven

Having paid my dues in the world of relationships, I have learned through trial and a heap of error, that certain types of guys do not make good boyfriends or husbands. They are like rotten tomatoes brought home from the grocery store. They do not get better with time, love, or hope. To save trouble and improve my shopping skills, I began to approach the subject of dating the way a scientist conducts a lab experiment. In the end, I discovered that the dead-end mates fall into seven distinct categories. (See “Where Have All the Good Men Gone?”).

The first of the seven categories is ScarMan.

He goes by different names. Some call him, "The Hurt Puppy," "The Whining Wounded," "Battle-scarred Galactica." ScarMan seems to have just gotten off a relationship and can only obsess about it to the exclusion of everything else, including you. He spends the entire evening talking about: (A) How great the ex was or, (B) What a total bitch she was. In both cases, he completely ignores the fact that he is out with you nor does he ask you much about yourself, like “How was your day?”

If you are looking for a satisfying relationship, where you feel you are first in a man's heart, throw ScarMan back on the beach. His “poor me, me, me” routine does not get better with time.

Stuck on Her!
In reality, his last relationship may have been ages ago, but he has not moved on yet. The most common ScarMan is the guy who was stunned when his woman left him. He didn't have a clue that she was even unhappy! By the time she told him, she had already moved on emotionally. Meanwhile, he still clings to her memory. He was clueless then and he is clueless now. How did he not notice that his ex was unhappy? Don't think you are going to be his key to enlightenment.

Too Soon!
If the breakup was recent, don't try to be the good nurse administering to his wounds. He only wants her and if his neediness melts your heart now, eventually you will be annoyed as he drones on and on about her. Clue: He thinks constantly about her and therefore he talks constantly about her. That means he is not thinking about you. You will resentfully mutter to yourself, "Hello! You are out with me. What makes you think that my idea of a good evening is talking about her all night? Get over it!"

Let Go Already!
Another ScarMan variety is the veteran of a breakup or widowhood that happened a long time ago. These ScarMen act like it just happened yesterday. Don't think that you will be the one to turn them around with the sexiness and intrigue that has worked so well with other guys. They are not open to the new. Besides, if they are widowers, their wives were saints who never did any wrong and you are in competition with Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa.

What a Bitch!
Just as unworkable as the ScarMen who idolize their exes, are the ones who spend the whole evening bad-mouthing them. Don't think that you will come out like a glowing rose in comparison. If he talks this badly about his ex, what will he say about you if it doesn't work out? Basically, it is annoying to listen to a guy go on and on about another woman whoever and whatever she was or did, especially if he is out with you.

Good Girl/Bad Girl!
One example is my gorgeous friend Carina. She invited me to her house for dinner. She had been married for several years. During the whole dinner her husband talked about how horrible his ex wife was. No matter what my friend did or said, it was only a point of departure for him to mention his ex.

Who wants to hear about someone's ex-wife all night long? We certainly did not. A few sentences here and there are all right. But Carina lacked the badassness to say, "That was then and this is now. Let's talk about us. Talk about our projects together. Ask our guest about herself. But don't bore us with a past that neither of us can do anything about!"

She Beat Me!
Another example was the ScarMan Ted. "My ex-wife used to come after me with a frying pan and beat me up on a regular basis," he said to me across the romantic candle-lit dinner table. Over the six-course meal he regaled me with stories of the various ways he was her punching bag. His detailed account was destroying my appetite. I was beginning to picture myself practicing one of my kickboxing moves on his head too. Maybe that was the only way his ex could break through his self-absorption.

When I asked Ted why he put up with it for so long he said, "Because I love her and I kept hoping she'd change." He still wanted her back! She had already moved on emotionally long before she left him. But she still lived on in his memory and I had to hear about it!

Difficult to Change!
It is difficult for ScarMan to change. It has to occur to him that he is a bore, stuck in the past. He must recognize that he will never be happy and he can never make another person happy if he persists with his war stories and tales of The Glory Days with Her.

He might be with you, but he is not really "with you." You might be tempted to rescue him, or think that you will be the one woman who gets his attention away from his ex. You might turn yourself inside out to find ways to make him forget. But your self-confidence will erode as you fail to compete with the past.

Time: The Healer?
Time might heal his wounds, but how long do you want to wait around for the scars to fade? In the end, it is much easier to find someone else, who is emotionally free to be interested in you and your conversation; someone with the potential to love you. Unless you are so smitten with him (for some chemical reason beyond logic) that you can tolerate his absorption with the past, throw him back! Otherwise you will always feel secondary, even if he is first in your heart.

Pickup lines: The unoriginal, the lame, the insulting

Pickup lines are ridiculous. Partly because some of them have been around for a long time and show that you are unoriginal and sleazy. Secondly, many of them are insulting. Also because any genuine relationship does not usually start with some rehearsed, canned lines that make you sound like a player on the make.

If you can't start a conversation with someone, using your own observations about them or the setting, don't try any of the lines I've listed below. They will automatically categorize you as a used car salesman type. It's better to look a little vulnerable and shy than to sidle over to a lady and say: "Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way, right away."

Here is a list from Askmen.com , with my commentary on how it makes the man look:

10. “Great legs, what time do they open?” Insulting and corny.

9. “You must be tired because you’ve been running through my head all night.” Corny and old.

8. “Hey girl, what’s up? Guess what? It’s your lucky day. Out of all the girls here, I picked you to talk to.” Conceited and arrogant.

7. “That shirt’s very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you I’d be coming too.” Porno sleazy and insulting.

6. “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?” Insulting to imply a woman is a prostitute.

5. “Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.” Corny and old.

4. “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?” Conceited and arrogant.

3. “Excuse me; I think you owe me a drink.”[She says, "Why?"] “Because when I saw you from across the room I dropped mine. It was a rum and Coke, and I’m [your name].” Cheap and corny.

2. “Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.” Corny and nerdy.

1. “Do you come here often?” Unoriginal, conversation-stopper, boring.

So many horrendous pickup line exist, it would take hours to list them all. I have just cherry-picked a few of the real zingers and corny duds. Yes, so many guys have tried them, they are officially on the list. What list? The list of pickup lines that automatically make a man look sleazy, insulting, arrogant, conceited, and unoriginal:

--If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
--Just call me milk, I'll do your body good."Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
--Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
--I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
--I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
--My love for you is like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
--I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
--If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
--Is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants.
--I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
--Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
--I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
--See this pin? I want to prick you with it to see if you truly do bleed sunshine.
--Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!
--Hi. You'll do.
--I wonder what our children will look like.
--I've got a condom with your name on it.
--I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (No.) Well then, please start.
--Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.
--You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
--Let's make like a fabric softener and Snuggle(TM).
--Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
--Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
--You're ugly but you intrigue me.
--I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
--I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
--You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
--Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
--I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Sex and the single mom

Single mothers need love and romance too. Yet they know that it's not a good idea to keep introducing a succession of men into their children's lives. It is especially heart-breaking if their children form an attachment to the man they introduce and then the relationship ends.

As Rita Rudner says, "Whenever I meet a guy I ask myself, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Here are some good ideas for keeping it emotionally safe for all involved:
1. It's not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you on a date. Wait until you're very sure about the relationship before you let your kids think of someone as your boyfriend. "Have a reliable sitter lined up," suggests JoAnn Magdoff, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York, "So you don't end up bringing children along before you're ready."

2. Don't turn him into "Daddy" too soon. "Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away," adds Magdoff. Until you've actually decided that the time is right, don't ask him to pick up your son from karate just because it's on his way over for dinner. "Hold back," Magdoff says. "Don't have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, 'But karate class is right by his office,' then it's time."

3. Be discreet but don't lie. If you are not married but having sex with your man, if the children are old enough to understand, explain why it's OK under certain circumstances to be intimate and not married. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.

4. Don't be desperate. Don't let your your hormones make your decisions. Maybe it's more important for you to be at the little league playoffs than away for the weekend with your honey.

5. Don't use your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. Get a sitter, leave the kids with Mom, and go out!

6. When you're out, don't feel guilty about not being with the kids. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. "Five minutes max," she says.

7. Leave when it's time. One of the more trying moments in a single mother's life is splitting up with someone her kids care about. Women have stayed in bad relationships "for the kids." This makes even less sense when you're not married.

8. Expect resistance from the kids, sometimes. Magdoff says, "Lots of times women are dating perfectly nice guys and their kids are horrible to them, especially if it's the first guy after the divorce or the first one you get serious about." One articulate ten-year-old Magdoff knows admitted to his mother: "It's not Bill who's the problem—I like him. It's you. I used to have you all to myself, and now I have to share you." Acknowledge and accept kids' feelings. Say, "I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do."

How to kiss

Not knowing how to kiss can be a real deal breaker. A sloppy, slack mouth that introduces the tongue two seconds into the kiss can disqualify you as someone with potential as a partner. Breath that tells your partner you have sardines between your teeth or a wispy, dry, tight-lipped tentativeness will cause your partner to think twice about you and move on down the road.

Kissing is more involved than many people think, as this excerpt from Wikipedia points out: It "allows prospective mates to smell and taste each other’s pheromones for biological compatibility. Women are subconsciously more attracted to men whose major histocompatibility complex portion of their genome is different from their own, leading to offspring with resistance to a greater number of diseases due to heterosis, and thus having a better chance of survival."

Here are some steps for making that first kiss all you want it to be. I am using the scenario in which a man wants to kiss a woman:

1. Make her feel safe and secure. Gently stroke the side of her face, look into her eyes. Don't lunge, plunge, or snatch.
2. Feel her out as you move in closer, she will give you signals, but when you go in for contact with her lips, do not hesitate.
3. Let her work with you. You're not just kissing on someone, you are reacting to what she is doing.
4. Show confidence by being comfortable and enjoying yourself.
5. Don't introduce the tongue until at least 30 seconds have elapsed.

Help me find a partner

As a dating and relationships expert, my niche is sorting through people after you have attracted them into your life. But some people need help in attracting someone into their lives first. In these cases I do not recommend the now traditional meeting venues: Bars and the Internet. I believe you need to feel the presence of a person and observe their actions unless, you're just in it for a booty call.

Bars let you feel a person's presence but they are noisy. Carrying on a real conversation can be difficult. And most of the time we are under the influence of our hormones, alcohol, or other substances. So even though our sexual craving may be met, we will ultimately be back to the same loneliness because our need is to make a true connection.

The Internet does not allow us to feel the personal presence or observe the behavior of our prospect. In this case, a bar is better than the Internet. Plus both the bar and the Internet work on the premise that you are both out there for the purposes of hooking up.

So think of places that don't automatically scream "Meat Market!"

Let me suggest one. A museum. You can go on a Saturday or Sunday, so you can see the person in the light of day. Check out the art galleries. You can gently approach a painting or sculpture and remark on its beauty to the person you have targeted. Or remark that you have never seen something so amazing and it's right here in (whatever town you are in." "_______ is a surprising city. Have you ever been to ______?" You get the idea.

Look clean, approachable, and non-threatening. Wear something that will be a conversation starter. An accessory that will make you intriguing.

If the person is not for you, you still have had a pleasant conversation. If the person is interested, then you may even move on together for an intimate drink or to one of Newark's great restaurants.

Sex tapes: Rihanna, Paris, Pam

It's very simple: If you are a celebrity and you don't want the public to see you doing your private business--DO NOT MAKE A SEX TAPE. If you are a private individual be very careful too. Too many cases of embarrassing incidents happen if the relationship goes sour.

The sex tape brouhaha is so rampant, Wikipedia has a whole page devoted to it.

Of course we have Pam Anderson's tame and lame sex tape of her honeymoon with what's-his-name. I subjected myself to this sugar-coated, empty brained ordeal and wondered what all the fuss was about. Between them calling each other "Baby," every three seconds and jerky videos of the landscape, all I felt was disgust that I was wasting my time.

I also saw Paris Hilton's insipid "scandalous" video. I don't find brainless poseurs revealing their private parts sexy. Now, according to Gawker she supposedly has released a new sex tape.

The whole Rihanna/Chris Brown beat-down scandal is hard enough to take. Now Star Magazine is saying that Rihanna is afraid Chris is going to leak a sex tape of them doing the pee-pee dance for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."

As MK says in Dlisted, "Let's be clear. If you make a sex tape then be prepared for it to get into the "wrong" hands--or the right ones if your aim is to make money off of it."

He observes astutely, "Okay, if you're a celebwh*re and your bare a** is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good f**king chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!

"If you're a narcissistic wh*re and need to see your sh*t doing f*cky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that sh*t right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty sh*t is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!"

This also goes for private individuals. Be careful about those sex tapes. I have heard too many stories of relationships gone south followed by revenge distribution of sex tapes.

I will discuss secret taping of sex--in which one of the participants doesn't even know it's happening, another time. Yes, that happens too. It has happened to a friend of mine and to many others.

The Dirty Seven Sisters

In the world of relationships and dating, often men catch the most flack. But women are no angels either. While the guys are more up-front about their total non-matability, these girls use the bait and switch tactics and their behavior only emerges after they have bagged you. Stay away from these Dirty Seven Sisters, stay away, unless you want a lifetime of misery and an empty bank account.
PMS Queen: Perpetually Menstrual Shrew. You walk on eggshells because she is either Pre-menstrual, Positively menstrual, or Post-menstrual--but any way you look at it, you are getting on her last nerve and she lets you know it.

Needee Nellie: Clingy, emotional black hole. Calls every 15 minutes to make sure you still love her. You are her life. Sits by the window waiting for you to come home, follows you around, goes to ball games and hunting trips with you even though she has no interest in them. Throws herself at you physically on the first date. Pulls the U-haul-It truck up to your place on the second date, ready to move in.

The Material Girl: All about money, goods, and appearances. 3 divisions: (1) Gimmie Monie: “Show me the money and that’s all!” (2)Prettie Pennie: “You better not mess up my hair, self-tanner, lip implants, nails, or makeup! I spent all day on them!” (3) Thingie Wingie: Material objects are the center of her life and conversation. Like the devout worshipper at the statue of her God, she lights a candle to the object of her reverence: Things.

Shopaholica: Always shopping for someone better. You’re good enough for a booty call but she is really looking for someone better than you and lets you know it often. When she is out with you, her eyes are all over the room, she’s hugging and kissing other guys, or talking about how “hot” someone else is.

Wedding Belle: Lives for the wedding; already naming the kids on the first date. Writing your last name and her first name together on the place mat. She wants the storybook wedding but what happens afterwards? You don’t ever get to see what happens after the happily ever after in a fairy tale: Baggy sweatpants, greasy hair stuck to her head, sitting on the couch reading romance novels.

The Mom: Knows best. You are just one of the kiddies who can't get it right. Momma knows best. I married Mrs. Right, Mrs. Always Right, 100% of the time. Granny panties, big maternity bras. Cleans up after you as you walk through the kitchen. Bossy in bed—down, up, faster, slower –here I’ll do it myself!

Psycho-babbler: Analyzes the relationship until it dies of dismemberment. Discusses it all until it is crushed beneath the weight of her endless talk. Super intense and emotionally fixated, she can become a stalker.

Do not get involved with these women. They will not get better with time. Think of them also as potential mothers for your children. That may put some reality into the situation when you are caught up in the hormonal rush.

For more insight into these love-spoilers, see my book Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.

Where have all the good men gone?

As a woman of the times, you are intelligent, independent, and confident in your sexuality. But if you have been floating around on the dating scene, you might be asking yourself, “Where have all the good men gone?” From my many years of experience dating, mating, marrying, being friends with and divorcing men, I can tell you: It takes patience to find someone you can respect, whose heart is open to you, and you can be with without driving you up the wall.

Good mate-material is out there. But, while you are looking, don’t waste your time and money on The Dirty Seven. The Dirty Seven are dead-ends and no matter how much hope, love, and denial you throw in their direction, they won’t change. There’s have too much of a pay-off being the rotters they are.

Underlying Problem
The underlying problem with The Dirty Seven is a kind of selfishness that makes them incapable of giving your needs fair play. They lack empathy (the ability to put themselves in your shoes). They are looking for a relationship like you, but they are not capable of sustaining one.

Who are these Guys?
I categorized the Dirty Seven the way the scientist or naturalist describes species of insects or birds. They have stayed true to type for over twenty years of testing in the laboratory of society. Don’t give up your freedom and happiness for these guys. They will always put you and your needs second or last. Read for a brief description of who they are and what you can do about them.

1. ScarMan: Talks continuously about his ex and the past, to the exclusion of everything else, including you. You feel like saying, “Hello! You are out with me!”

If you want to feel first in a man’s heart, throw ScarMan back on the dating beach.

2. SideMan: Married or living with someone but looking for some excitement on the side, with no intention of creating a real relationship.

Walk away and don’t look back. He wants to use you. If it takes a lie, he will lie to get what he wants, without a thought for the pain he causes. Divorce is expensive, he loves his kids, and he wants the best of both worlds. Don’t think he will leave his wife for you.

3. CrazyMan: Has so many quirks, a hospital wing of psychotherapists couldn’t figure him out. He’ll drive you nuts if you give him a long-term try, so don’t start with him.

4. GuyMan: Likes guys better than girls but pretends to be straight. The fact that he is lying to you about it is what makes him one of The Dirty Seven.

Let him go on his journey of discovering his true identity without you.

5. YAPpie: (Young And Poor) have the benefit of youth on their side but not much else: No money and no job prospects. You pay for everything and drive him around too.

Do less for him. He is a species of parasite that survives by living off of women and will move on.

6. OLMan: (Old Loser Man) is the YAPpie, grown older but not wiser. He has not provided for his future. He is looking to you to do that for him. He was lazy, selfish, and clueless in his youth and has remained the same in his old age.

Do not get involved with him until you find out where and how he lives. Go there with him. If he is penniless, especially beware of how he lives.

7. BagMan: Difficult children from different marriages some of whom live with him, multiple alimony payments, and lots of bitterness over past woes are just some of the baggage this man brings to the relationship.

Give up on him before you are left holding the bag.

Good Guys

Let me reiterate, good guys are out there and are worth taking the time to find. The good mate thinks about the “us” before he thinks about himself. The relationship is foremost in his life and he shows you that it is. His life is not about his miserable self, self, self and he wants to do something to make things better in the world instead of being a drain on the system.

He takes care of himself because he has self-respect. Money is not what motivates him. His heart guides him. He lives his life with passion and is not a wound-licking victim or an ego-driven control freak. He understands the territory of love and shares it with you. He appreciates and respects you and you feel a warm glow of happiness when you think of him. He is the exact opposite of all of the Dirty Seven:

• The un-ScarMan: He is not stuck in the past and is here with you, now. He wants to learn about you because he is interested.
• The un-SideMan: He is devoted to you and not lots of chicks on the side. He puts his whole heart into your relationship.
• The un-CrazyMan: He has enough reference in reality to be able to share your world with enthusiasm. He is balanced and rational.
• The un-GuyMan: He is honest about his sexuality and loves you because you are a woman with a woman’s body.
• The un-YAPpie: He can support himself and does not expect you to be a Sugar Mama. He has plans and goals for what he wants from life and how he wants to contribute to others.
• The un-OLMan: He has had a life vision and continues to work on it, even when he is up in years. He can support himself and stays young-at-heart, though he has the wisdom that comes with age and experience.
• The un-BagMan: He might have some baggage, as everyone who has lived has, but he does not inflict it on you so that it takes over your life. He has handled it cleanly and fairly so that it does not keep coming back to haunt him and you.

So don’t be a wimp when one of the Dirty Seven comes your way. Only women with low self-esteem fall for these guys, or continue on with them when they find out what they really are. The Dirty Seven don’t get better. They don’t even want to get better. The payoff for being selfish is great for them. Only the woman loses in this situation. Even the sex sours when you lose complete respect for a man. Assert your strengthand move on to someone who has the ability to really love you!


For more info: See my books on relationships and dating: The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware and Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters.