Finding Love: Why am I Still Single?

You feel like you have so much to offer in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love. Or maybe you thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a fantasy - and not what you desired at all.

Before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So many people are looking for a relationship hoping it will fix whatever is wrong with them. They are needy and want someone to fill the void they are unable to fill for themselves.

Be happy within yourself
The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness - alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling great because you just got a good deal at the Shop Rite. Happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. In my book, Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters, I discuss Needee Nellie: The girl who is a clingy, emotional black hole of need.

Lose the friend with benefits
Get rid of the friends with benefits, f-buddies, booty calls etc. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance of pseudo-intimacy, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you stuck in a place of non-commtiment. They tell the universe and yourself that you don't want and you don't deserve anything better.

Don't be bored
Find something to do with your free time. One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be bored with nothing to do. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during this time that one tends to desire companionship the most - you begin to feel like you’re bored because you don’t have someone - when really, you’re bored because you’re not doing anything. Take up hobby you always said you were going to do but never got around to - maybe it was photography, maybe a writing poetry, body building, hiking - whatever it is - now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.

Help others
Make time to do something someone less fortunate - You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer at a women’s shelter, at a homeless shelter, animal shelter- whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it worse.

Those four things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding Mr. or Ms. Right, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding Mr. or Ms. Right as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place - personally - to create the right relationship.

Once you’ve incorporated these principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. If you don't specify what you want, you may settle for any old thing. When you know what you want, it is much easier to recognize it when you find it.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right isn’t about going into a crowded club searching through dozens and dozens of people for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is attracted into it.