I'm Christian, You're Muslim

Most relationships demand compromise and effort if they are going to succeed, but what about when you come from different religious backgrounds?

When Misty, a Baptist, started dating Ali, a Muslim, the reaction from her friends and family was outrage. They were angry and unhappy and told her it would have no chance of working. They even asked her why she didn't go out with, "at least a Christian--he doesn't need to be a Baptist, but at least someone who believes in Jesus Christ."

Her family and friends had the stereotype of Muslim men as Bin Laden-worshipping fanatics who don't allow their wives to work. And wasn't he going to go to hell because he wasn't baptized? And what about Christmas? Easter? Was she going to celebrate Ramadan instead? What about the children? What religion would they be if came into the world?

I have seen many marriages break up over this issue, let alone a dating relationship. One of my Jewish friends was told by her boyfriend of several months, "Right now you are going to go to hell but I pray over you every day." Now is that the basis of a great relationship?

She asked him, "You mean, even though I am a good person, do good deeds, give to charity, live an honest life, and don't hurt other people, I am going to go to hell. Just because I don't believe in what you have been brought up with? And are you going to tell me that someone who has been baptized, even if they are a murdere, they have a better chance of not going to hell than I do?"

"Yes," he said, "You are going to hell. Sorry."

She broke up with him after realizing that there was going to be no compromise with him.

Whatever background you come from, there will always be some differences between you and your partner, but they won't necessarily be based on your religious beliefs. However, if you completely disagree on important issues you may find life difficult.

Put things into perspective. You don't always have to agree with your partner, in fact it can make life interesting to be close to someone who disagrees with you, just as long as those disagreements don't become huge hurdles that you'll never get over. 

When it comes to the big issues such as moving in together, marrying and having children, it's important to talk early on and set some boundaries on how much you're willing to change. If either of you have strong feelings that your children should be brought up in a certain way, for example, you will need to come to some agreement about it.

Susan, 23, was in a three-year relationship with a Hindu man. "I'd never go out with someone of a different religion again after my bad experience," she says. "I think it's easier being with someone the same as yourself."
Ali disagrees. He thinks there is a lot to be gained from mixed religion relationships. "Being with someone of a different religion broadens your perspective and teaches you how to compromise," he says.

It also depends on what religion's you both follow. If one is Jewish, and the other is Islamic, then there probably would be problems in the future due to deep feelings of discomfort to the other religion which extends back to parents, grandparents and great grandparents' generations. It or may even be caused by what is happening in the Middle East right now.

After 10 years of marriage with Don, Jaya thought she was living with a different person than she originally knew. He became Orthodox Jewish and expected her to convert and follow all the rituals. She couldn't do it. Her heart wasn't in it. You can't expect someone to convert just to get along with your new belief system. After much heartbreak, Jaya took the kids and left.

Ideally it shouldn't matter what religion you both belong to, all that matters is that you love each other, right? But that love can get destroyed when two completely different ways of life come into the picture. It's one thing to have a powerful attraction towards someone, and have a great time on dates, it's another thing to live with them day after day.

In my article, I'm Black, You're white, yellow, red,"I state: "Despite a more general tolerance regarding interracial relationships, there can be severe family friction if you insist on a relationship with someone from another race.  Some parents may do everything possible to end the relationship. They may openly state negative views. They may forbid you from seeing the dating partner, and threaten to disinherit you if you do. Some couples try to keep their relationship a secret from their families in order to prevent arguments. This usually leads to more trouble when the family finally finds out." 

You will have the same family friction about difference of religion. However, race is about externals--how you look, the color of your skin. Religion is about internals--how you think and believe about the fundamental issues of life. These can be real deal breakers. Especially if someone is telling you that you are a sinner, are going to hell, are unclean because you have eaten something not on the religious menu, or that you will never go to heaven unless you change. This kind of attitude demeans you as a person. Your love partner sees you as "less than" until you change.

Be very careful, then, especially if you decide to have children. It is a sad thing to break up a family because one believes God is this and the other believes God is that--usually based on what they have been raised to believe. You may be able to respect each other and compromise. But once the children come along, new difficulties may arise that kill the relationship and leave you devastated.