I'm keeping my baby

What should you do if you are pregnant by a man who is not in the picture anymore? One of my dear friends asked me about this:

"Please comment on the issue of having a baby by a guy you got pregnant by mistake and don't want to marry but your biological clock doesn't allow the option not to have the baby. This happened to my step-daughter who is a career woman. She is almost 37, had broken up with her long time boy friend who had trouble with commitment and dated a guy a month after the break up, very briefly, who she never intended to ever see again.

"She was having protected sex as always, but something went wrong and was shocked to find that she had gotten pregnant. After examining her options and the fact that she has wanted a baby for so long she made a decision to have the child but the guy is not anyone she would ever consider marrying. At her age, she might not have another shot at a child even if she meets someone she falls in love with in the future.

"She is due this June and has all of our family's support. We're all really excited and supportive so I'm sure she'll be fine. She is very attractive and I believe she'll meet someone nice in the future. This is difficult for a woman like her who didn't picture having her first child this way but she's happy about having a child finally."

My response: In this case, main criteria should be love and attention and care. Those are the most essential parental qualifications. If they can be provided by a single mother, or two mothers or two fathers, or an extended family, so be it. Indeed, it might be better to keep an unqualified or uncaring biological father out of the picture, if doing so will allow a single mother to give her children the love and attention and care they need. If a father's presence disrupts or diminishes the love and attention and care children require, then he is not needed.

The reverse would also then be true. There could be situations where a mother is the problem. If a father can do the job better by himself, if the mother is abusive or addicted or whatever, then there is nothing magic about keeping her around. Yes, such separations can be painful for children. They should only be considered if the the amount of love and attention and care would be increased. That might be a hard calculation to make but it would, I believe, serve the "best interests of the children.

In the case of my friend's step-daughter, being attractive and conscientious, her family is confident that she will attract someone into her life that will be glad to be a dad to her child. He will love both her and the child in the way they both deserve to be loved. In the meantime, this baby will be born into a family that welcomes it with affection and happiness--which is a great environment for any child.

But if you do not have the support system of a loving family behind you, be aware of how difficult it is to be a single parent, work full-time, and have a little time for your own self-growth and personal happiness.
Some people disagree. They, like Glenn T. Stanton (Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs and Senior Analyst for Marriage and Sexuality at Focus on the Family), believe that children need both fathers and mother because of the different parenting style:

1. "Mothers are more likely to provide warm, nurturing care for a crying infant." (My comment: Some very tender and nurturing fathers will object to this statement.)

2. "Fathers tend to play with, and mothers tend to care for, children. While both mothers and fathers are physical, fathers are physical in different ways. Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air. Fathers are louder at play, while mothers are quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and fathers bounce them. Fathers roughhouse while mothers are gentle. One study found that 70 percent of father-infant games were more physical and action oriented while only 4 percent of mother-infant play was like this."

3. "Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage equity. One style encourages independence while the other encourages security."

4. "Mothers and fathers discipline differently. "Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, which teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy in the midst of disobedience, which provide a sense of hopefulness."

5. "Fathers and mothers prepare children for life differently: Dads tend to see their child in relation to the rest of the world. Mothers tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child."

6. "Fathers provide a look at the world of men; Mothers, the world of women."

If you can provide all these things for your child without a father figure, you are ahead of the game. For part of my childhood, my grandfather was my father figure, and a great one too. So think of all the ways you can provide a balanced life for your child. Because, once you have that child, your life will not be about "you" anymore. It will be always include your baby.