Romance and finance: Should I lend him money?

He borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want your money and you want it back now.

Or, you are like one of my friends who loaned $3,000 to the man in her life to pay for his car insurance. She found out that she wasn't going to see that money again. Pursuing it was futile. She needed the money but there came a point where she had to get real and let go. The frustration consumed her and it didn’t change the fact that not only wasn’t she getting the money back, but he ended up spending her money in reckless and irresponsible ways.
You need to ask yourself if you have any expectations of what you lending him this money means to him.

Here are the most common motives:

1. You lend him in money because you believe and expect that you will now be in a committed, serious relationship with each other. This is fantasy-type thinking. If I do this for you, you will do such and such for me. That is not how things work in romance. It cannot be forced and it cannot be bought.

2. You offer to lend him money even though you don’t actually have a relationship with him. You think you’re being helpful and that he should see you as he woman for him. This kind of desperation makes you look like you are buying your man. You are also placing expectations on him that he may not want to indulge.

3. You lend him money even though you don’t know where you stand and there is possibly the existence of another woman or women. The expectation is that if he takes the money, you will now be #1. What will you do when you discover that you’re not the only women he’s either borrowing money from, or already owes money to? Become part of a posse to get your piece of the action?

4. You lend him money because you think it will allow you to have more control over him. Someone who owes you money would realise not only how generous and great a girlfriend you are, but would quit any form of bad behavior because it would show their ingratitude. As a justification for believing this, you’ll tell yourself if someone did the same for you, you would demonstrate how grateful you were and recognise the love.

Control may be a problem here. We control with doing things and expecting to be rewarded back with exactly the type of relationship we want. But maybe the man we loaned money to is incapable of giving us that kind of relationship. He may be thinking that we’re a complete controlling pushover to be taken advantage of.

Here are some good rules about money and romance. Don’t lend money to a man:
--Who barely shows up for the relationship
--Who is not actually yours
--Who is unsure about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you
--If you don't know where you stand in the relationship

Some women keep doing and doing and doing to win over a man who doesn’t deserve it. But with lending money, there are financial consequences and the result may be that he will move on to the next woman, while you are left paying for it.

If he already has little or no integrity in other areas, why is he suddenly going to be a man of integrity with your money? As in every other area of your relationship, it's best not to project what you think and feel onto him. Just because you know you would be grateful, or believe you would pay it back in regular installments, or believe that you would pa back the money in one lump sum after the relationship ended, doesn’t mean that he shares the same views or attitudes.

If money you do discuss money with him, it should be a case of discussing how long the loan is going to be for, how it is going to be paid back, and what will happen in in case the relationship doesn't work out. Will the instalments still continue as is, or will he be expected to pay up in full? How romantic is that? That is why I say, "Romance and finance don't mix."

It's not that there cannot be money in relationships. But money is something that should never be a part of a romance that doesn’t exist, barely exists, or already has a lot of problems. Throwing money at the hole in your relationship will not stop the leak.