He beats me but . . .

Talking about her boyfriend, a reader wrote, "I don't want the child growing up with a father that kicks in doors, smashes ceilings, and has uncontrollable rages. That's just not the atmosphere you want around a child--no less an adult. He doesn't put his fist through the walls every day. But enough so that I don't want a child growing up with that kind of unpredictable destruction.

"But if you met him, you'd think, what a nice guy. He's so sweet and mild mannered. And he tell me how sorry he is."

She still loves him. She believes that he can change, despite a therapist describing him as a “psychopath with a limited emotional span.”

Nice killer
Don't try to change or make excuses for him. Being with an abuser just because sometimes he is a nice guy is like eating the bright red poisoned apple. It may be attractive, but it is deadly in all respects. A serial killer can be charming and can even be kind to people when it serves his purpose, but that doesn’t mean that you can suddenly write off all of his murders. He helps old ladies cross the street. Yes, so he can kill them.

The "when he's nice" trap
This is where anyone in an abusive relationship keeps falling into the trap: Focusing on the nice behavior displayed by these men (often at the beginning of the relationship) and ignoring the consistently bad behavior.

He's sorry
This guy is an abuser by nature. Part of the abusive behavior is to say they're sorry. They may even mean it. But the pattern will emerge again whenever something triggers their irrational rage. Do you want to come home to a place that looks like a bomb site? Stop making excuses for this man's behavior and telling me how nice he is. It's is like when a woman with an abusive man says who says he is truly sorry for smashing in her face. He apologized and now all will be well again, right? Even though he broke her nose and jaw and she lost an eye. Besides, if she hadn't said such and such he wouldn’t have beat her!

The pattern
Stop it now. Abusers follow a pattern that is important to learn. They abuse, maybe apologize, maybe blame you for why they did it, and then THEY DO IT AGAIN.

Clinging to sickness
My reader is ignoring red flag behavior and fatal flaws in the relationship because she doesn’t want to let go. She is focused on the good moments, and she essentially knows no better. But now that a child is coming into the picture, she is at least separating herself from him physically. Yet she still clings to him emotionally.

In situations like this, she is gravitating to the level of emotional sickness that she is comfortable with. She may feel that she does not deserve better. And that somewhere deep inside she is a bad girl who must be punished. If this is so, she is setting herself up for a lifetime of pain. His problems are bigger than her or the relationship.

Love isn't enough
You can’t just decide “I love him” and then bestow your love on him as if it has some magical healing power. It's like bringing home a moldy, runny tomato from the grocery store and sending love vibrations to make it fresh and whole again. The world doesn’t work like that and there are millions of women out there that are living witnesses and testimonies to this.

Think of the child
So don't fool yourself. Think of the child and what you want for your baby. You don't want that new life to be growing up in an environment of abuse. Unfortunately, abuse tends to perpetuate abusive behavior. Practically all abusive people have received similar treatment as children. The cycle must be broken. The only way to break it is to have enough self-esteem to know you deserve better and stop making excuses for his behavior. Move on.