Advice: Being good at sex

"I’m 39 and have not had sex for 8 years. Before that I had only a few sex partners, though one in my early twenties was my partner of 3 years. In my mid twenties I explored my sexuality and had relationships with women. Since my late twenties I have ‘come back’ to heterosexuality, though it has always seemed more in my mind than anything else because I have not had a relationship nor sex for 6 years.

"A bad break up kept me out of the game for a long time but since I’ve moved on from that I just haven’t met anyone I’ve liked and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with. As a result, my self-esteem has taken a dive in recent years. I have had people interested in me during this time but I haven’t felt the same. However, I met someone 2 weeks ago, It was never going to be a serious relationship, he is much younger (27) and we have very little in common but we liked each other, so why not have some fun.

"We had sex for the first time on Fri and it was a disaster. I had not prepared myself (nor him!) for the fact that I would be so out of practice, inexperienced and not very good at all! It was embarrassing and a bit of a shock to me but I’ve since tried to get my head around it - of course I’m not going to be the great lover I imagined with so little practice under my belt! However, I’m now struggling with self esteem again.

"When I begin a new relationship, not only am I going to be thinking about the usual - am I interesting? Am I funny? But now - what happens when he discovers I’m terrible in bed and totally inexperienced? Obviously the way to get better at something is to practice but I’ve never slept around, picked up guys in bars. etc. The only sexual relationships I’ve had have been with people I care deeply about.

"During sex last Friday, the main problem for me was keeping the rhythm going so that we were moving together, I’d suddenly lose the pace or rhythm. Neither of us came and it was embarrassing. So, this may seem a ridiculous question but how can I get better at it without having to put myself through this embarrassing time after time. Is there anything I can practice on my own or do with the person I’m in bed with to help me? (He held my hips to help me move with him but it still didn’t work).

"A loving and understanding partner to help me, would obviously be the ideal solution, but in the absence of that is there anything I could do practically while I’m not in a relationship - other than sleeping around - or anything I can read that will help me? I’m open to any help and suggestions. Thanks, xxxxxxxxxx"

My Advice:
1. You have only known this guy for two weeks. If you are the type of person (like many) that needs to get to know someone and feel connected, before you sexually respond, two weeks is not enough time. Combine this with the apprehension you must have felt after not being in bed with anyone for a while and it’s no wonder that you wound up in your uncomfortable situation.

2. Rhythm is not always an automatic thing. You both need to find a rhythm that works for each other. If he gets caught up in his own rhythm instead of falling into yours, of course you will become mismatched as you try to catch up. Connected, comfortable, passionate, sex requires patience, sometimes. It also requires attraction. If the attraction isn't there, then why even bother? You will be using each other as human blow-up dolls.

3. Do you understand what you like during sex? While you may not have had much experience, it doesn’t stop you from knowing what turns you on. Tell the person you are in bed with what you like.

4. If you have to work that hard at it, it is obvious to me that you have not met the right person. This is because when you are truly interested and are in love with that person, all the questions about right and wrong technique fly out the window. You just want to be with them physically and your movements become natural as you enjoy yourself with them.

When it comes to being with someone, I suggest -
1. Take your time before you have sex. You are a person that needs to have sex with someone she knows and feels at ease with. Just having sex for fun, as you did the other night, is not your style, so no wonder it didn't work
.
2. Tell you sex partner that it’s been a while and to take their time. They’ll probably be turned on by this.

3. Have fun with foreplay. This again comes naturally when you really like a person. However, if you are going through the motions because you think this is what you should do, it won't work either.

4. Relax. When you give off tense vibes is kills the sexual pleasure for both.

5. Maybe you like women better and that is why sex with a man does not come naturally to you.

If your self-esteem is tied to your sexual abilities, you’re putting yourself in an awkward position. You won't have good sex because you are so worried about how bad you are in bed. Then you will be bad in bed and your self-esteem will plummet further. Then you will be afraid next time the sexual opportunity crops up.

I realize that the reason you haven't had sex for a long time is because you are recovering from a break-up. But you can set yourself free from past relationships, have closure, and move on. This will give you the freedom to enjoy yourself--with or without sex, with a man, or possibly in your case, a woman. And it may just be that: Being with a man does not turn you on and therefore it is a struggle instead of your natural instinct taking over.