Jealousy: The difference between men and women

Women and men feel jealousy for different reasons, according to scientists. Jealousy is an emotion aroused when we feel a threat to a relationship or position. It is a reaction related to fear and rage, and it makes us want to protect, maintain, and prolong the association of love.

Man's jealousy
From the man's perspective, a sexual infidelity will result in not knowing who is the father of his children, which often leads to sexual jealousy. Sexual infidelity, therefore, acts as a cue that triggers sexual jealousy among men.

Woman's jealousy
For women, their mate's sexual infidelity does not jeopardize a woman's assurance of parenthood. The child remains hers no matter what. But if her mate becomes interested in another woman, this will result in a loss of his time, attention, energy, resources, protection, and commitment to her children. This loss is essential to her child's survival and is a cue for sexual jealousy (Buunk, Angleitner, Oubaid, & Buss, 1996).

So the reasons women and men experience jealousy are different. Women are more prone to react negatively when they or their children are deprived of emotional support; this will trigger jealousy. Men, on the other hand, will become angry if they suspect their wives of sexual infidelity-- because who's the daddy?

Appearances
Jealousy also rears its ugly green-eyed head when your relationship with your mate is threatened because of physical appearance rather than reproduction. In men, jealousy is triggered when their mate smiles at another man if he is younger, better looking, and has higher status. As a result of this jealousy, the man will engage in behaviors that ensure that he monopolizes sexual access to his mate.

Emotional Infidelity and appearances
Women, on the other hand, will be more concerned about emotional infidelity, because they depend greatly on the resources their mate makes available to them. If a woman's mate is emotionally connected to another woman, then she will receive reduced commitment.
Jealousy in women is triggered by cues related to emotional connection or the presence of a younger and more attractive woman (Looy, 2001). Emotional infidelity is thus increasingly distressing to women because they want their man dedicated to only themselves and their children.

Miserable
Jealousy is jea-"lousy." It is a lousy emotion to feel and to act upon. It has very little to do with love and more to do with self-esteem and possession. Yet it may have evolved to ensure the sanctity of the family unit.

Instinct
It is an instinct, not something that can be eradicated or pretended that it isn't there. For millenia of evolution, jealousy helped human tribes fend off outside attackers by empowering the men to be and feel "masculine" in facing them head-on.

Normal but painful
When a man demonstrates the natural normal kind of "jealousy" that is a biological instinct as opposed to a character flaw, it works to ward off the advances of other men, would-be muggers, and other threats, and that is a good thing!

In the case of both men and women, jealousy is normal but painful. It's function is to protect and serve the family unit--but life is much happier when "the green-eyed monster" stays away from your door.

Finding Love: Why am I Still Single?

You feel like you have so much to offer in a relationship but have yet to find one deserving of your love. Or maybe you thought you’d found someone only to realize that they were only a fantasy - and not what you desired at all.

Before you even think about starting a relationship, work on yourself. So many people are looking for a relationship hoping it will fix whatever is wrong with them. They are needy and want someone to fill the void they are unable to fill for themselves.

Be happy within yourself
The first step toward having a great relationship is finding happiness - alone. Being happy isn’t just about the feeling great because you just got a good deal at the Shop Rite. Happiness is being truly content with your life and the direction it’s going. It’s important to find this happiness before entering a relationship because, if you’re not happy before the relationship, you’ll look to the relationship as a cure for that unhappiness. In my book, Booby Trapped: Men Beware the Dirty Seven Sisters, I discuss Needee Nellie: The girl who is a clingy, emotional black hole of need.

Lose the friend with benefits
Get rid of the friends with benefits, f-buddies, booty calls etc. Those semi-relationships are repellants to new love and to happiness. They keep you stuck in the same circumstance of pseudo-intimacy, discourage new thoughts and ideas, and most of all, they keep you stuck in a place of non-commtiment. They tell the universe and yourself that you don't want and you don't deserve anything better.

Don't be bored
Find something to do with your free time. One of the worst things you can do, as a single person, is be bored with nothing to do. It’s during this idle time that you find yourself texting someone you shouldn’t be texting, emailing someone you shouldn’t be emailing or calling someone whose number you should have deleted. It’s also during this time that one tends to desire companionship the most - you begin to feel like you’re bored because you don’t have someone - when really, you’re bored because you’re not doing anything. Take up hobby you always said you were going to do but never got around to - maybe it was photography, maybe a writing poetry, body building, hiking - whatever it is - now’s the time to dive into it. Not only will you find yourself thinking less and less about being alone, but you’ll also become a more well-rounded person.

Help others
Make time to do something someone less fortunate - You’d be amazed at how quickly you forget about whatever’s going on (or not going on in your life) when you take the time to care about someone else’s needs. So whether you decided to join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or whether you volunteer at a women’s shelter, at a homeless shelter, animal shelter- whatever it is, it’ll go a long way in reminding you of how blessed and fortunate you are as there’s always someone who has it worse.

Those four things will get you started. It’s important to make those things indelible characteristics of your everyday life. They may seem unrelated to finding Mr. or Ms. Right, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s not so much about finding Mr. or Ms. Right as much as it’s about putting yourself in a place - personally - to create the right relationship.

Once you’ve incorporated these principles into your everyday life, it’s time to sit down and think about what you want in a relationship. This is one of the most common steps we miss in our quests for love. If you don't specify what you want, you may settle for any old thing. When you know what you want, it is much easier to recognize it when you find it.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right isn’t about going into a crowded club searching through dozens and dozens of people for the right one, it’s about creating a situation in your life, where the right one, is attracted into it.

On the Down Low: The Fourth of the Dirty Seven

I accept all kinds of lifestyles, as long as innocent people aren’t hurt and nobody is forced to do anything against their wills. But GuyMan, the fourth of The Dirty Seven, does hurt people because he is not straight about his sexual preference. GuyMan is on the Down Low. He is out there trying or pretending to be sexually attracted to women. He puts on a good act or he attempts, hopefully, to be what he is not. The fact that he is gay is not the problem. The fact that he is lying to you and to himself about it is what makes him one of The Dirty Seven.

He finds you attractive and interesting and thinks he can overcome his basic lack of interest in women sexually. So he dates you, hoping he might be able to stomach you when those intimate moments come up. He knows he can fantasize that he is with a man during sex, especially if he wants children. But if you have ever been with a man who loves women, you will be aware that something is lacking. In time you will question your attractiveness as a woman. You might think it is your fault.

Some GuyMen are ashamed of their gayness and hide it because of how society has treated gays in the past. Some hide it because their dream has always been to have a family with kids. So they get married. They do not let the woman know they are gay. Or, if they make a last-minute confession, say that they were once gay, but have completely changed. They hope they can contain the volcano that surges beneath the surface. One day, it erupts and blows the illusion out of the water. By then you have already invested time, money and life in a dream that turned into a nightmare.

Normalville
Some GuyMen really want families and the whole package of normalcy. They are natural fathers and nurture the best in their children. They love and cherish the whole concept of the family unit. The only thing about it they can’t get into is the way their wife’s body is shaped. If only she had pecs-of-steel and a penis!

In bed he is more affectionate than passionate (unless he pretends you are a guy). But your breasts and hips make it difficult sometimes. He is very helpful in household matters. But something is missing. His heart may be with you, but his body is with Bobby. Bobby’s that cute construction worker with the killer biceps building your deck. You see GuyMan’s eyes light up when Bobby walks by. He never looks at you that way. You are competing with another guy and you lose!

What Can You Do? Nothing!
You can do nothing to change GuyMan’s sexual orientation. But you can walk out on him for fooling you about who he really is. As with all of The Dirty Seven, his is an issue of character. It is about deception in this case, even if he means you no harm. You might not know what he really is until it is too late. He fooled you, even if he acted sympathetic and was fun to be with. Sometimes he doesn’t even know he is fooling himself, he wants so badly to look heterosexual.

Wish Him “Bon Voyage”
Let him go on his own journey of discovery without you. You were only a prop anyway. I know. He had feelings for you. But it was more like affection for a sister. Waiting around for him to get over this “phase he’s going through,” is the deluded behavior of a woman who isn’t ready for a fully sexual relationship with a man. It is like standing at the edge of the desert and waiting for it to turn into a garden.

What is DL Culture?
The Down Low is a special organized, underground subculture largely made up of black men who otherwise live straight lives. Most date or marry women and engage sexually with men they meet only in anonymous settings like bathhouses and parks or through the Internet. Many of these men are young and from the inner city, where they live in a exaggeratedly masculine ''thug'' culture. Other DL men form romantic relationships with men and may even be peripheral participants in mainstream gay culture, all unknown to their colleagues and families.

What is the Down Low?
DL culture has grown, in recent years, out of the shadows and developed its own contemporary institutions, for those who know where to look: Web sites, Internet chat rooms, private parties and special nights at clubs. Over the same period, Down Low culture has come to the attention of alarmed public health officials, some of whom regard men on the DL as an infectious bridge spreading H.I.V. to unsuspecting wives and girlfriends. In 2001, almost two-thirds of women in the United States who found out they had AIDS were black.

If the Center for Disease Control is right that nearly 1 in 3 young black men who have sex with men is H.I.V.-positive, then women in relationships with men on the down low better take care.

According to one source many DL guys are in a never-ending search for the roughest, most masculine, ''straightest looking'' DL top. One man on the DL explains: ''Part of the attraction to thugs is that they're careless and carefree. Putting on a condom doesn't fit in with that. A lot of DL guys aren't going to put on a condom, because that ruins the fantasy.'' It also shatters the denial -- stopping to put on a condom forces guys on the DL to acknowledge, on some level, that they're having sex with men.

In 1992, E. Lynn Harris -- then an unknown black writer -- self-published ''Invisible Life,'' the fictional coming-of-age story of Raymond Tyler, a masculine young black man devoted to his girlfriend but consumed by his attraction to men. For Tyler, being black is hard enough; being black and gay seems a cruel and impossible proposition. Eventually picked up by a publisher, ''Invisible Life'' went on to sell nearly 500,000 copies, many purchased by black women shocked at the idea that black men who weren't effeminate could be having sex with men.

"I was surprised by the reaction to my book,'' Harris said. ''People were in such denial that black men could be doing this. Well, they were doing it then, and they're doing it now.''

That behavior has public health implications. A few years ago, the data started rolling in, showing increasing numbers of black women who weren't IV drug users becoming infected with H.I.V. While some were no doubt infected by men who were using drugs, experts say many were most likely infected by men on the Down Low. Suddenly, says Chris Bell, a 29-year-old H.I.V.-positive black man from Chicago who often speaks at colleges about sexuality and AIDS, DL guys were being demonized. They became the ''modern version of the highly sexually dangerous, irresponsible black man who doesn't care about anyone and just wants to get off.'' Bell and others say that while black men had been dying of AIDS for years, it wasn't until ''innocent'' black women became infected that the black community bothered to notice.

Still, for all the defiance that DL culture claims for itself, for all the forcefulness of the ''never apologize, never explain'' stance, a sense of shame can hover at the margins. It's the inevitable price of living a double life. Consider these last lines of a DL guy's online profile. ''Lookin 4 cool ass brothers on tha down low. . . . You ain't DL if you have a V.I.P. pass to tha gay spot. . . . You aint DL if you call ur dude 'gurl.' . . . Put some bass in ur voice yo and whats tha deal wit tha attitude? If I wanted a broad I would get one -- we both know what we doin is wrong.''

Not Tonight Baby Girl: Top 10 Reasons Men Don't Want Sex

"What's wrong with him? My man doesn't want to have sex. Don't all men want sex?" This is what one friend asked me the other day. That's a common misunderstanding and it's based on the mistaken belief that men are wired to want sex any time they can get it.

Here's a list of ten common reasons why men may not want sex:
1. Medications: Antidepressants (SSRI-type) and antihypertensives (blood pressure medication) are often the culprit when a man has a lowered interest in sexual activity. These can also cause sexual dysfunction. This is listed as reason #1 in my previous article "Not tonight, honey: The top 10 reasons women don't want sex."

2. Lack of sleep: When a man is in his teens or twenties, the opportunity to have sex will often overwhelm the desire to sleep. This is often true also when a relationship is brand new. But, as people and relationships age, sex can lose its urgent nature and a good night's rest can be quite tempting.

3. Hormonal levels: The most important physiological stimulant of sexual desire is testosterone. Also, too much prolactin and SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin) can suppress sexual desire. So when a hormonal reason is suspected, these are the blood tests to have (in order of importance): free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG, and total testosterone. It's interesting because the same is true for women.

4. Identity issues: When men feel uncertain about their role in the world, their desire for sex can decline. Depression may be linked to this, and feeling overwhelmed with worry. Identity issues can crop up when he has issues at work or is out of work, faces the death of an important family member, becomes disheartened about a formerly held strong belief, and questions his understanding of his own sexual orientation -- to name a few.

5. Turn-off to aspects of sex: He may feel criticized or treated unfairly. It may just seem like too much "work." He may have sexual interests that he knows or fears his partner may not share.

6. Interpersonal difficulties: When there are major disagreements between themselves and their partner, many men will avoid sex or just plain refuse their partner's advances. Some men punish their partner by withholding sex, but for others it's not a matter of punishment, they just cannot have sexual feelings when there are unresolved conflicts.

7. Stress: Stress comes in many forms and may stem from: financial difficulties, personal or family member illness, challenges at work, parenting dilemmas, and issues involving extended family members. Of course, there are many more sources of stress. Stress negatively impacts women's sexual desire as well.

8. Masturbation: that replaces partnered sex. Researchers in this field found that many men who might not have sought out magazines, videos, movies, have found their way to porn online. For some couples, this can be a problem, because the man has spent himself on his fantasy instead of on partnered sex.

9. Fear of intimacy: He's afraid to get involved with all the emotions that occur in a sexual relationship. He'd rather see you as a sister or mother and he can't have sex with his sister or mother. It doesn't feel right, so he avoids it.

10. Difficulties functioning sexually: Many men who have erectile dysfunction or believe that they ejaculate too soon, too late, or not at all, will avoid having sex with their partner. They don't want to look like "failures" so they choose to avoid being sexual at all.

So ladies, please don't criticize, belittle, or make jokes about his manhood when he does not want sex. That will definitely wilt him faster than an ice-cream cone melts in August. If you understanding the above causes can help you improve or remove the problem altogether.

Not Tonight Honey: Top 10 Reasons Women Don't Want Sex

10 reasons hit the top of the charts when when women say, "Not tonight, honey," according to researchers:
1. Use of oral contraceptives. Some women's sexual drive is decreased by the Pill (or any of the other hormonal approaches to birth control -- patch, ring, and shot).

2. Use of antidepressants. Prozac, Elevil, Paxil, etc., have been known to lower the sex drive of its users and to increase body weight, which impacts reason #10, body image.

3. Breastfeeding. Prolactin (the hormone that facilitates breastfeeding) decreases sexual interest. Plus a woman is sometimes reluctant to share her breasts with a man after the baby has been sucking on them for milk.

4. Lack of sleep. For most women, sleep comes before sex once the relationship has been established. This is a very common problem in today's sleep-deprived society.

5. Stress. Due to work, financial issues, educational stress, extended family, and other important issues in life. When stress is increased, many women do not see sex as a solution to it, it is just one more thing to take care of and clean up after.

6. Fights with their mate. Conflicting feelings and desires can play themselves out in refusing sex. A woman does not feel all warm and cuddly after continuous arguments.

7. Low levels of free testosterone. While knowing the level of total testosterone in the bloodstream can be helpful, finding out the free testosterone is very essential to discovering the possible physiological causes of low sexual desire.

8. High levels of SHBG. A woman with high levels of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG), may have low sexual interest. This is because it combines with free testosterone (making it "unavailable") and that decreases libido.

9. Fear of intimacy. The inability to handle the level of intimacy that sex brings and maintains in a relationship is a very common reason for a decrease in sexual desire for one's partner.

10. Body image. Women who view themselves as unattractive to their mate and/or in their own mind's eye.

So if your girlfriend or wife has been turning over and going to sleep instead of having fun with you, check into the above reasons. Some of them can be solved medically. Some can be solved by a heart-to-heart talk, and others by taking care of the physical effects of exhaustion and poor body image by getting into a life pattern that includes enough rest and exercise.

The 7 Most Unromantic Gifts

You can't go wrong with flowers, jewelry, or fine chocolate. But some guys miss the mark and buy the 7 most unromantic gifts:

1. A gag gift: A mug with "over the hill" or a tee-shirt that says "You're pretty when I'm drunk," are very unromantic gifts. They will end up in her closet or she will donate them to the rummage sale. Though a sense of humor is great in romance, it can be a dud when it is merely clownish, or makes fun of your lover.

2. Porn is a poor gift choice. It is not something women want to see constantly, and it's definitely not something they want to keep on a shelf with their other DVDs. Seeing amateur actors bumping and grinding on screen is simply not romantic. How much more romantic it would be to set up a cozy dinner and an evening of love-making to music you both enjoy, rather that watching other people performing in front of a camera?

3. A stuffed animal: Flowers are highly romantic. But flowers held by a stuffed pig with a heart on his chest that says "I oink you" is silly and immature. It does not promise to lead to romantic longings--only memories of when she was in junior high.

4. A self-help book: A woman doesn’t want the one she loves to present her with a book that pinpoints problems that she needs to work on. How would you like it if she presented you with a gallon-sized bottle of mouthwash or a bottle of Viagra for your birthday?

5. Gift certificates: They tell the lady, that you know nothing about them. "Here, go and buy yourself something from this store you might like." It also takes about three minutes to buy the gift certificate. Do you really want your girlfriend or wife thinking you spent three minutes on her gift? This also goes for handing her money and saying, "go buy yourself something." It takes no planning and you will lose points in the romance department.

6. Workout clothes: Buying workout gear is like saying: “You need to work on those extra love handles.” Exercise equipment is also one of the least romantic gifts -- ever, for the same reason. Anything that will make her break a sweat is not romantic or think she needs to work on herself because she is not good enough just as she is, is a bad idea.

7. Tools: Work is never romantic. Anything used for manual labor, household items for chores, or products for gardening are all disappointing gifts. Once a friend's husband got her a mop and bucket for their wedding anniversary. Another friend got a power drill for her birthday. Guess who didn't celebrate in bed that night.

Threesomes: Three's a crowd

Threesomes don't work if you are in a committed relationship. Period. I have seen too many couples break up over them. The emotional scars and hurt feelings, ranging from being the one "left out," to having one's spouse be more interested in the new partner and falling in love with the other person, are difficult to get past. I would be very interested in hearing about any threesomes that have resulted in long-term happiness, peace of mind, or complete satisfaction for all three partners.

I have only seen the tragically awkward and complicated sides of the threesome story. For both men and women, it is easy to develop feelings for someone you have been physically intimate with, since falling in love and having sex often go together. If either of you falls in love with the third partner, it becomes confusing outside of the bedroom. The woman can feel romantic outside the bedroom toward the other woman too, leaving the man out in the cold. Of course, the reverse could be true as well. The man can fall for the other man and abandon his original love interest.

Jealousy, also comes into the picture. The girl with smaller breasts may compare herself to the other woman and think that is why she is getting less attention, feeling ugly and worthless. One woman told me, "I did a threesome with another woman. My boyfriend and her were paying so much attention to each other, I began to feel neglected. I wondered if it was because I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, or that my hair was the wrong color. Was he just bored with me? We broke up and I had to watch them become the new couple."

Therefore it is important to pay equal attention to both partners, or more to your spouse/significan other, but definitely not the other way around. Is that what you want? To keep tally of how much equal attention is being distributed?

Unless you can separate sex from love, I say stay away from threesomes. If one of the partners has an STD or gets pregnant, further complications arise. Sex and love are among the greatest joys in life. But if we take these matters trivially, lightly, without understanding the consequences, there is nothing but trouble ahead.

Stressful bundles of joy

Do you think that having a baby will cement a relationship that is going downhill? Sometimes it is a desperate attempt to hold onto to something that was already on the decline. That's because we have this ideal picture in our heads of a wonderful, smiling baby, holding out its arms to us to offer unconditional love and bringing us closer to our partner.

But a new scientific study says that the birth of children has an immediate negative impact on even blissfully happy couples. That new bundle of joy raises stress and reducing satisfaction levels of husbands and wives, new research says.

Satisfaction drops at birth
Reasons for the negative toll kids take on marriage vary between men and women, but researchers say satisfaction levels start dropping as soon as children are born for both men and women.
They studied 218 young couples (about 26 years old), 132 of which had their first child in the first eight years of marriage and 86 who had no children. Marital satisfaction declined in both groups, but more suddenly among those who had children.

Sudden increases in problem intensity, poor conflict management, and decreases in relationship confidence were seen in mothers after birth. A sudden decrease in dedication to the relationship was seen in fathers.

Mothers/daughters--fathers/sons
Mothers with daughters had greater decreases in marital satisfaction compared to mothers who had boys. This is consistent with previous studies that have shown that male children are associated with lower rates of divorce and higher marital satisfaction. Perhaps this is because, on the average, fathers of girls are less active in childcare than fathers of boys.”

Child care takes a toll
In about one third of the relationships studied, women reported significantly greater relationship problems caused by the birth.This may be because women take up the major share of the child care and, if they were working before the birth, have many more employment-related adjustments to work through.

Less together time
One of the difficulties that couples face after birth is that their together time without the baby is dramatically reduced. So there is less opportunity to enjoy the things they enjoy about their partner.

Constant care
So think hard about your decision to have a child. Too often we don't realize the constant care, cleaning, and feeding that puts our own lives on the back burner for many decades, often with no thanks. Instead, we picture that this smiling angel will add to family happiness and contentment. Yes, of course we love children--but their impact on the romantic relationship between partners cannot be denied.

Sleeping with the enemy: Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

Each year, roughly 19 million people in the U.S. contract a sexually transmitted disease, says the Center for Disease Control. About half are between the ages of 15 and 24.

Now, a new study has determined that your sexual partner’s activities predict your STD risk better than your own. The phrase "sleeping with the enemy" has taken on a whole new meaning because this study shows that a sexual partner’s activities may have more to do with whether or not you gets an STD than your own behavior.

Participants in the study included 412 black and white men and women ages 15 to 24 who attended an urban STD clinic in Pittsburgh. All reported having had heterosexual sex.

Researchers measured six characteristics to calculate the risk of a sexual partner:
• The partner had a problem with marijuana or alcohol.
• The partner was at least five years older or younger.
• The partner had been in jail.
• The partner had had sex with other people in the past year.
• The partner had had an STD in the past year.

Researchers asked participants about their sexual characteristics and their partners’ characteristics. Among those whose partners’ activities were labeled as high risk, 53% were diagnosed with an STD. Among those whose own behavior was labeled as high risk, 38% were diagnosed with an STD.
The riskiest characteristics were age difference and if the partner had had an STD in the past year.

“If you are choosing high-risk partners, you are much more likely to have an STD, even when we account for your condom-use patterns,” Stephanie A.S. Staras, lead author and an assistant professor of epidemiology and health policy research in the University of Florida College of Medicine, says in a written statement.

“The theory is simple: You need to have sex with someone who has an STD to get an STD. Based on the prevalence of STDs in the United States, it seems like the public may not fully understand their risk.”

10 Health Benefits of Sex

Did you know that good sex is good for your health too? Each of these 10 health benefits of sex is backed by scientific data:

1. Sex Relieves Stress and Lowers Blood Pressure
. . .according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal Biological Psychology. They studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations, such as speaking in public, and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained. Another study published in the same journal found that loving-partner sex was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure. Other research found a link between partner hugs and lower blood pressure in women.

2. Sex Boosts Immunity
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., took samples of saliva, which contain IgA, from 112 college students who reported the frequency of sex they had. Those in the "frequent" group -- once or twice a week -- had higher levels of IgA than those in the other three groups.

3. Sex Burns Calories
Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

4. Sex Improves Heart Health
Researchers found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.

5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem
Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist in Cambridge, Mass., says, "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves. Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

6. Sex Improves Bonding and Trust
Having sex increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. "Oxytocin allows us to feel the urge to nurture and to bond," Britton says. Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you're feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.

7. Sex Reduces Pain
As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.

8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk
Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without. They found that men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.
Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.

9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles
For women, sex strengthen the pelvic floor area and helps to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better
The oxytocin released during sex also promotes sleep, according to research. And getting enough sleep has been linked with a full range of other benefits, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure.

So you are doing something good for yourself when you are engaged in healthy, loving sex. What a great excuse to have more!

Are you ever too old to have sex?

Both men and women can continue to have sex to any age, according to experts, providing that both you and your partner are in good physical health and you are not hurting each other.
Even if intercourse is not possible, physical intimacy can take many forms. Sometimes getting older really does mean getting wiser about the many ways in which partners can bring each other pleasure.

Old Dads
The world’s oldest known father was an Australian called Les Colley, who was 92 when his ninth child was born. He died in 1998, just before his 100th birthday.

The world’s oldest new dad, an East Indian named Nanu Ram Jogi, has fathered his 21st child at the age of 90. He says that he plans to continue breeding for at least another decade.

Freedom for the Older Woman
Women find new freedom after menopause relieves them of the fear of getting pregnant. They can no longer bear children, unlike men who can continue to produce sperm indefinitely. Exceptions are women past menopause, who have been artificially inseminated or had in Vitro Fertilization.

They're doing it
A recent global aging survey of married men and women showed that 87% of married men and 89% of married women in the 60-64 age range are sexually active. Those numbers drop with advancing years, but 29% of men and 25% of women over the age of 80 are still sexually active.

It's good for you
Now studies are showing that sex is good for "older people." One recent study showed that men who have more than two orgasms per week have lower mortality statistics. But these numbers only demonstrate a correlation between sexual activity and longevity, they do not prove that sex prolongs life. What is probably true is that people who are well, and vigorous enough to engage in sexual activity are also healthier in general.

So keep giving each other pleasure and happiness, regardless of your age. If you're 85, you may not be able to assume all the positions in the Kama Sutra, but there is no reason not to enjoy your life to the last breath.

Breasts: Why men love them

Those beautiful female breasts have evolved to do much more than feed the children. Women's breast have two well-defined purposes: To nurse offspring and to signal she is a woman.
All primate females, except humans, are flat-chested until the female is lactating for her new-born offspring. However, the human female breasts remain protuberant and change little in overall size because they contain approximately 4% of the body's fat. Although the primary purpose of breasts is for feeding the offspring, human female breasts do not need to be as large as they are, in general. The reason for being unnecessarily large comes from their second purpose: sexual attraction.

Large breasts are generally more sexually appealing to men and also serve as a gender identifier. Women's larger than necessary breasts can most likely be blamed on our male ancestors' preference for these parts of the female anatomy. In fact, it seems that the rounded shapes in numerous places on women's body, such as the buttocks, shoulders, and cheeks, were prized and opted for, through natural selection, by most ancient men. Women's ancestors with these male-preferred characteristics had more offspring.

It is obvious that women today recognize the value of breasts as signals of femininity. A multimillion dollar breast enhancement industry is thriving. Since 1963, silicon gel implants have been used to provide women with perfectly shaped breasts. This fact says much about how many women feel inadequate because of their small breast size or shape.

One of the reasons men may be so attracted to women's breasts is chemical. There are apocrine glands around the breast nipple, as well as under the arms and in the pubic area, that secrete erotic odors. These feminine odors cause men's brains to release an avalanche of male sex hormones that make men feel strong, pain-free, and excited.

If two breasts are good, are more better? About one in every 200 women has a third breast, and even more rarely: four. The most in medical records were 5-pairs on a French woman in 1886. These extras are seldom more than a small nipple or a fat mound, much like a young girl's breasts just developing. Extra breasts are evidence of DNA still hanging around from our animal ancestors who gave birth to litters.

Our bodies design is approximately 30,000 years old and we still have many sexual identifiers that were useful back in those times. Breasts are certainly not the only part of the human body used to convey messages about sex. The basic survival and sex needs show up in uncountable ways, especially unconscious body language, as we do our daily tasks and try to live a "civilized life". However civilized we may appear, we always have those ancient animal instincts in our DNA that keep the fires of passion alive.

Cheating on the Internet

It may seem harmless, but cheating on the Internet is just as serious as cheating in the flesh. People say it is harmless because they feel that there are no victims when married partners engage in virtual sex while chatting with others online.

Psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web, says "I've discovered that people were getting hooked on the Internet the way people are addicted to drugs or alcohol," says Dr. Young. "There are many stories of Internet infidelity that I've come across, and every couple's definition of cheating is different; some people believe that chatting on the Internet isn't cheating until they are at the point when they cross that boundary and they are going to meet the person."

How do you know when someone in you life is cheating on the Internet?

Young says, "A major sign that the online relationship is getting out of control is when the spouse is spending so much time around the computer that he doesn't go out with the spouse any more."

According to relationship experts, these are the common signs of an Internet affair:

* He is spending a huge amount of time on the Internet, especially time that used to be spent with you.

* He abruptly stops typing or turns off the computer in your presence.

* Your mate does not like to check his e-mail in front of you, or if he keeps multiple e-mail accounts.

* He has several unexpected meetings with people you don't know.

* Your mate regularly visits dating sites on the Internet.

* There are unusual credit card charges from unknown Internet merchants.

Alibi merchants have sprung up all over the internet. These companies supply realistic alibis--complete with supporting documentation--for straying spouses. A number of Internet companies sell computer software programs that promise to erase every site you visit, every file you open, and every person you've ever e-mailed for good. Which also means that reading your lover's old e-mails, or monitoring their online chats and downloading activity may be a thing of the past.

How to know if he's cheating

He comes home late, hides his phone, and makes too many excuses about his whereabouts. Is he cheating? Has he has started doing things that he doesn't normally do?

One woman says, "I found out when the lady my partner had been having an affair with phoned me to tell me he had just finished the relationship. I had suspected for over six months. He had started using his phone a lot more, had installed different ring tones for different people, he was gradually more distant, unloving and uncaring towards me, never wanted sex, began wearing different clothes, and had put on weight due to the drinking and eating he was doing with her."

Here are some clues from the relationship writer Zondra Hughes.
1. His whereabouts are unaccounted for. Sudden "emergencies" are putting you and your needs on the back burner.

2. The sex is different; his brief kisses and even briefer phone conversations have become empty consolation prizes for his absences and unfulfilled promises.

3. He starts accusing you of infidelity: His guilty conscience projects itself onto you.

4. He becomes obsessed with his appearance: If he was previously happiest in a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt and suddenly starts wearing suits and cologne when he goes out, be suspicious. Also be wary if a guy who was previously unconcerned about his appearance suddenly wants a new wardrobe, a hair transplant, or becomes fixated on developing his body through exercise.

5. He suddenly starts buying you presents: If this is not typical of your man, you may want to ask yourself why. Sometimes this is a means of covering guilt for bad behavior.

6. He frequently picks fights with you: This gives him a chance to leave the house so he can find consolation with the "other woman."

7. The smell of foreign perfume lingering in his car or on his clothes.

8. The sudden surge in so-called wrong numbers and hang-up calls received at your home.

9. Unusually long hours spent at work without the overtime pay to prove it.

Even though these are common signs, no two cheaters behave alike, experts say. Sometimes a cheater will pick an argument so that he can storm out of the house and into the arms of another; and sometimes, a cheater will become overly romantic, says television show producer and self-described cheater Bobby Goldstein, creator of the reality series, Cheaters.

"I wasn't at home a lot; I was very short-tempered with my ex-spouse, and I think I overcompensated for my actions by trying to do more and more good in less and less time," Goldstein says. "So if you receive flowers, and more attention, but the little things don't check out, or if there are expenses that are not accounted for, you need to [look out]. If a woman is smart, she will be all over this guy and make him come clean."

Here are other signs of a cheater, according to Brittian Wilder, author of Is It Love or a Big Misunderstanding?:
1. He is constantly saying, "I need more time to myself," even if you only see him a few days out of the week already.

2. He's always finding excuses to be away from you. (Usually this is when "hanging with the homeboys" come into play.)

3. Changes in the bedroom--he is rarely in the mood for sex; or he may try something new with you.
4. He suddenly becomes critical of you and compares you to others.

5. He develops an interest in new things, hobbies or even foods.

6. He can't look you in the eye when you ask him pointblank, "Are you having an affair?"

Stay tuned for my article on Cheating on the Internet.

I'm Christian, You're Muslim

Most relationships demand compromise and effort if they are going to succeed, but what about when you come from different religious backgrounds?

When Misty, a Baptist, started dating Ali, a Muslim, the reaction from her friends and family was outrage. They were angry and unhappy and told her it would have no chance of working. They even asked her why she didn't go out with, "at least a Christian--he doesn't need to be a Baptist, but at least someone who believes in Jesus Christ."

Her family and friends had the stereotype of Muslim men as Bin Laden-worshipping fanatics who don't allow their wives to work. And wasn't he going to go to hell because he wasn't baptized? And what about Christmas? Easter? Was she going to celebrate Ramadan instead? What about the children? What religion would they be if came into the world?

I have seen many marriages break up over this issue, let alone a dating relationship. One of my Jewish friends was told by her boyfriend of several months, "Right now you are going to go to hell but I pray over you every day." Now is that the basis of a great relationship?

She asked him, "You mean, even though I am a good person, do good deeds, give to charity, live an honest life, and don't hurt other people, I am going to go to hell. Just because I don't believe in what you have been brought up with? And are you going to tell me that someone who has been baptized, even if they are a murdere, they have a better chance of not going to hell than I do?"

"Yes," he said, "You are going to hell. Sorry."

She broke up with him after realizing that there was going to be no compromise with him.

Whatever background you come from, there will always be some differences between you and your partner, but they won't necessarily be based on your religious beliefs. However, if you completely disagree on important issues you may find life difficult.

Put things into perspective. You don't always have to agree with your partner, in fact it can make life interesting to be close to someone who disagrees with you, just as long as those disagreements don't become huge hurdles that you'll never get over. 

When it comes to the big issues such as moving in together, marrying and having children, it's important to talk early on and set some boundaries on how much you're willing to change. If either of you have strong feelings that your children should be brought up in a certain way, for example, you will need to come to some agreement about it.

Susan, 23, was in a three-year relationship with a Hindu man. "I'd never go out with someone of a different religion again after my bad experience," she says. "I think it's easier being with someone the same as yourself."
Ali disagrees. He thinks there is a lot to be gained from mixed religion relationships. "Being with someone of a different religion broadens your perspective and teaches you how to compromise," he says.

It also depends on what religion's you both follow. If one is Jewish, and the other is Islamic, then there probably would be problems in the future due to deep feelings of discomfort to the other religion which extends back to parents, grandparents and great grandparents' generations. It or may even be caused by what is happening in the Middle East right now.

After 10 years of marriage with Don, Jaya thought she was living with a different person than she originally knew. He became Orthodox Jewish and expected her to convert and follow all the rituals. She couldn't do it. Her heart wasn't in it. You can't expect someone to convert just to get along with your new belief system. After much heartbreak, Jaya took the kids and left.

Ideally it shouldn't matter what religion you both belong to, all that matters is that you love each other, right? But that love can get destroyed when two completely different ways of life come into the picture. It's one thing to have a powerful attraction towards someone, and have a great time on dates, it's another thing to live with them day after day.

In my article, I'm Black, You're white, yellow, red,"I state: "Despite a more general tolerance regarding interracial relationships, there can be severe family friction if you insist on a relationship with someone from another race.  Some parents may do everything possible to end the relationship. They may openly state negative views. They may forbid you from seeing the dating partner, and threaten to disinherit you if you do. Some couples try to keep their relationship a secret from their families in order to prevent arguments. This usually leads to more trouble when the family finally finds out." 

You will have the same family friction about difference of religion. However, race is about externals--how you look, the color of your skin. Religion is about internals--how you think and believe about the fundamental issues of life. These can be real deal breakers. Especially if someone is telling you that you are a sinner, are going to hell, are unclean because you have eaten something not on the religious menu, or that you will never go to heaven unless you change. This kind of attitude demeans you as a person. Your love partner sees you as "less than" until you change.

Be very careful, then, especially if you decide to have children. It is a sad thing to break up a family because one believes God is this and the other believes God is that--usually based on what they have been raised to believe. You may be able to respect each other and compromise. But once the children come along, new difficulties may arise that kill the relationship and leave you devastated.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

Steve Harvey's book, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man, is funny and straight-to-the point. He lets women know exactly what a man wants: Support, loyalty, and "the cookie"--and if any of those items are missing, he will go elsewhere to find them.

He points out how essential it is for women and men to continue to understand the differences in our expectations of each other. He also explains that women show men very quickly whether they are the keepers or the ones to have a good time around, without the need to commit. He gives interesting examples. Here's one. If a man tells a woman she is looking good, the keeper will say something like, "I believe in being healthy and fit." The woman not to take seriously will shimmy and shake her booty while doing a little turn-around to show off her assets.

Mr. Harvey was recently interviewed by Time Magazine:

"Why do you think so many women who want to be married aren't?
"

"Here's what's happened over the years. Women's standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We've created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There's really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away. We created another term. When you first meet a man, so you don't ask a lot of personal questions and questions about his business, we created the term gold digger. Now why would a woman not be concerned about her financial future — for herself and her children? But we created the term gold digger, so now, because you don't want to be known as a gold digger, you never ask a man anything. You don't require anything of a man. So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn't have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions."

"In your chapter on affairs, you say that women have to take some responsibility when men cheat. Have any women taken issue with that?"


Not yet. I'm pretty sure they're coming. I tried to release women, to let them know that usually when your man cheats it has nothing to do with you initially. We men try to use you to justify what we're doing, but it's usually that we don't have ourselves together. [A man] is weak in some area, and so he goes outside his relationship. But there are some things women do to contribute to this. I have a chapter in the book talking about what a man has to have: support, loyalty and "the cookie" [sex]. If any of those things are missing, he's going somewhere to get it, because he has to have it. I try to tell people how important sex is to a man. All you gotta do is look at prisons. That's the roughest analogy I can give. If it's not happening at home, he's going to get it somewhere. He's just not that good of a guy that he's going to sit there and do without it. And a lot of times men cheat because there are so many women out there willing to cheat. If women say, "I'll take something rather than nothing" — wow, that's a playground for us. I know that answer doesn't fare well with women. But we're very simple creatures. I told HarperCollins, this book could actually be about 35 pages. Because we're guys. We are that simple."

Yes, the book is very simple. It could be written in under 35 pages. But the explanations are humorous and have the ring of truth, so it's enjoyable. It emphasizes the importance of women having standards. This is in keeping with my dating and relationship philosophy. Though this book deals with understanding men better, my point of view is that some men are not worth understanding or attracting. They are The Dirty Seven. However, when you have encountered a man who is not one of The Dirty Seven, then Steve Harvey's book is a painless and delightful way to learn how to Act like a Lady, Think like a Man.

Would you date a man who has been in jail?

When Essence Magazine did a poll asking its readers the question, this is the result:

--Ask him what he did time for. It could be harmless 
86 %
--Keep him as a friend, but nothing more 
9 %
--Tell him something suddenly came up and head for the door 
3 %

Some answered like this:
"I am dating someone with a record i didint know at the time people make mistakes and turn their lives around he is a wonderful person."

My comment: Yes, many people do turn their lives around. The recidivism rate, the statistics that tell how many prisoners return to jail after their first arrest is 60%. According to Wikipedia: recidivism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recidivism 60%

• Released prisoners with the highest rearrest rates were robbers (70.2%), burglars (74.0%), larcenists (74.6%), motor vehicle thieves (78.8%), those in prison for possessing or selling stolen property (77.4%), and those in prison for possessing, using, or selling illegal weapons (70.2%).
• Within 3 years, 2.5% of released rapists were arrested for another rape, and 1.2% of those who had served time for homicide were arrested for homicide. These are the lowest rates of re-arrest for the same category of crime.
• The 272,111 offenders discharged in 1994 had accumulated 4.1 million arrest charges before their most recent imprisonment and another 744,000 charges within 3 years of release.

Sociologist Roger Roots has suggested that computer accessibility of criminal records is helping people make decisions about staying out of jail. Before the computer revolution, people with criminal records were often able to relocate and start their lives over in new communities.

"Former criminals rose to become some of America's greatest leaders in law, industry, and politics. This possibility seems to be narrowing as criminal records become electronically stored and accessible." They cannot pass the background check of most jobs.

According to the Washington Post,"The growth in prison population is largely because of tougher state and federal sentencing imposed since the mid-1980s. Minorities have been particularly affected: One in nine black men ages 20 to 34 is behind bars. For black women ages 35 to 39, the figure is one in 100, compared with one in 355 for white women in the same age group."

Here are some women's responses to this issue and my comments. I am choosing male prisoners as an example, but it applies to women too. If you are a male would you date a women who has been in prison?

"I am dating someone who has a record. However this was done during his juvinile years. We all make mistakes some more than others, we are not not defined by our past;but the choice to choose the direction of our future."

My comment: I agree, lots of people do stupid things before they are 20. It depends on what kind of crime. If they have repeatedly raped, bludgeoned, killed, molested children--I would pass on them. There are enough men who don't have these complications. This goes especially for child molesters, who have difficulty restraining themselves from offending again. According to Prentky, Lee, Knight, and Cerce (1997), over a 25-year period, child molesters had higher rates of reoffense than rapists (52 percent versus 39 percent over 25 years) .

One woman responded like this:

"It depends on what it was and how long ago it was. If he was convicted of rape, robbery, child molestation or any violent crime; the answer is unequivocally no. I know people make mistakes and can change but I can't take that chance."

My comment: Yes, I agree. You can't take that chance. Have some self-esteem and know you can attract someone who is not deeply flawed.

Another lady responded this way:

"A person is defined by the content of thier character. I am engaged to a wonderful man of great principle who spent all of his formative years in a juvenile prison for a violent crime. He used the sentenced time wisely to develop spiritually and attend college. He is an intelligent, hardworking, gainfully employed, God-fearing, and loyal partner. His qualities are what most women long for in a mate. Ironically, his brother who accoding to my soon to be mother-in-law "never gave her any trouble," is having an affair for the fourth time in his five year marriage, squandered away all of he & his wife's savings, & dragged his wife into his IRS troubles. Guess he saved all of his trouble for the wife? It's not always where you have been but where you are going."

My comment: This is a very wise answer. You have to see how people behave over time. This man obviously learned his lesson and won't repeat his mistakes. The brother-in-law sounds like one of The Dirty Seven. He just got lucky and avoided the slammer.

Another lady states:

"I have recently met a man that served federal time for drug dealing. He is a brillant man,loves god and his children. He works, and owns his home. He has been out since 2004. My ex-husband of 12 years carries none of this man's traits. I don't know if serving time has made him humble, or what. This man stimulates my mind. We are not sexually active, and he has not pressured me whatsoever."

My comment: Again, this man has learned his lesson and deserves a second chance. Plus, his crime was non-violent. The jails are full of people for drug use and dealing, while child molesters and wife beaters walk the streets because they have gone unreported. In may cases, however, child molestation goes unreported. Estimates are that only 35% of sexual abuse is reported http://www.childmolestationvictim.com/statistics.html. Kids can be frightened or embarrassed and many times do not say anything.Almsot half of domestic battery victims do not report it either. http://www.snbw.org/articles/unreported_violence.htm

Another lady responds:

"yes, my boyfriend will be getting home in 4 days. his first time in trouble and jail/prison. i've known him for 10 years now - way before he made a stupid mistake that landed him into prison. our relationship is off and on but supposedly now it is all the way on (for last 2 years). he spent the last year in prison and now i have to wait and see if he is truly serious about us being together. he is very intelligent, loyal, protective and motivated. so let's see what the future holds as we do love each other and trust that the future will be good to him as he deserves it. not sure i would be willing to do this with him if i hadn't known him prior to prison sentence as i have a young daughter to consider."

My comment: Women bring all kinds of men into their lives because they are desperate, lonely, horny, or have low self-esteem. When you have children, you must think about how the new man will impact them. It depends on what this man's "stupid mistake" was because violent criminals have a different psychological profile than drug users or thieves. Psychopaths, for example, are characterized by the fact that they don't learn from their actions. blame others, and persist in destructive behavior.

Here is a thought-provoking response:

"It depends on the reason and the length of time incarcerated, as well as how many times he has been in jail/prison. My biggest concern after those aforementioned would be his HIV status. Lets not kid ourselves ladies. The "everyone makes mistakes" attitude is cool, but dont be oblivious to what goes on in correctional facilities when men get a little lonely, whether it is consensual or not. It's bad enough we have to worry about the "down-lows" and the "I'll sex anything that moves" men that have never been locked up."

My comment: Anyone who has been to prison knows they better not "drop the soap" in the shower, or leave their nether regions unprotected from people doing hard time with nothing to lose. HIV is a very big concern and this lady is intelligent to bring it up. As for the "down-lows," I will discuss this in another article. They are known as GuyMan, one of the Dirty Seven (link to where have all the good men gone). This lady is also correct in evaluating how often the man has been in prison because that tells about his ability to learn from his "mistakes."

And finally, another woman's attitude is:

"I am in a great realtionship with a gentlemen that has done time. I knew him before he had to leave and he actually came home to me after several years. We are still together and honestly I have never been happier. I hear all the stigma behind men that have done time but I agree with the others if you have known this person long before hand and you have been thier support system, I don't see the problem. Everybody makes mistakes and deserves a second chance at happiness!!"

My comment: How long you have known the person, have observed this person, and his values is the determining factor here. My philosophy has been you must see how the person behaves over time. Not what he says. Not what he says he'd like to do.

This is a very complicated issue and each case must be judged individually. You are the one who has to consider all the factors. If you are with this man because you can't find anyone else and you are lonely--be aware that this weakness within yourself can open you and your children to a dangerous future. If you know this person, the circumstances of their incarceration, and the growth they have achieved because of this experience, then you might give him a chance.

I'm black; you're white, yellow, red

Where do you stand on interracial dating and marriage?

Interracial romance has been an issue in the United States since the first English settlers. In the 1600s, Maryland banned interracial relationships between whites and slaves due to questions over whether the offspring would be considered black and property, or white and free. Many other states followed Maryland, with laws that banned interracial marriages and relationships. When slavery was abolished in 1865, southern states issued Black Codes that continued to prohibit relationships between whites and blacks.

Even where interracial relationships weren’t outlawed, mixed couples could face serious consequences within their community. In the 1800s, a visitor from England to Buffalo, New York, described the situation of an interracial couple he met. “The wife (a white woman) was despised by the wives of white citizens, and both (the husband and wife) were shunned,” he reported. “They never ventured out together. If they did go out, it was usually after dark. On one occasion, the man was mobbed and nearly lost his life.”

Decades later, white society tried to prevent interracial romances. In one case, a young white woman’s grandmother placed her in a mental institution after the granddaughter announced her engagement to an African American (Elaine Landau--Interracial Dating and Marriage). When a young black man named Leroy Gardner enrolled in Bethel College in St. Paul, Minnesota, in 1943, he had to sign a formal agreement promising not to socialize with the white females on campus.

In 1967, a law was passed that cleared all legal barriers to interracial marriages and relationships. This legislation made it legal to marry interracially, but many people weren’t willing to accept these relationships. But now things have changed. Especially with the new generation.

According to a 2005 Gallup Poll of teenagers across the country, 60% who go out on dates say they’ve been out with someone of another race or ethnic group. The poll also shows that most Americans approve of interracial dating. People are getting used to growing up with different races, and are feeling comfortable with it. The majority of teens view interracial dating as no big deal, and see it as “just dating.”

Some families may be hesitant about an interracial relationship at first, but will come to accept it when they see how serious you are about the relationship. However, other families have mixed feelings when it comes to interracial relationships. Lisa Diamond, a researcher at University of Utah states that, “Some parents expect that their children will follow the dating models that they have set out. And often that model is one of sameness, not difference.

For parents, seeing their offspring dating someone of the same race and ethnic background, the same religion, and same worldview feels most familiar and comfortable. Crossing racial lines remains a taboo for many.” Concludes Diamond, “All parents, motivated by love, concern, and a deep desire to protect, push for a course of action that they believe will lead to the fewest complications.” Interracial relationships may seem complicated and troublesome to some families, and that is why they don’t want their children in that situation.

Despite a more general tolerance regarding interracial relationships, there can be severe family friction if you insists on a relationship with someone from another race. Some parents may do everything possible to end the relationship. They may openly state negative views. They may forbid you from seeing the dating partner, and threaten to disinherit you if you do. Some couples try to keep their relationship a secret from their families in order to prevent arguments. This usually leads to more trouble when the family finally finds out.

Yet, overall, studies prove that racial barriers are coming down as people test interracial relationships for themselves. Gregory Clark of Louisiana College, states that, “People should start using the content of one’s character to find a date. Rejection on the basis of race is an unfair practice that deprives us of the opportunity to explore the personalities of people of other races. The more open we become to others, the more likely we are to find the ‘right’ match and eliminate prejudices and hostilities toward other ethnic groups.”

However, some people still don’t think crossing racial lines is a good idea. They see people involved in an interracial relationship as selling out, or trying to achieve a higher social status by dating someone different. They believe that people should date within their own racial and ethnic groups in order to maintain a strong sense of community and belonging. They see same race dating and marriage a source of strength and unity, and their sense of community would be destroyed if someone dated interracially.

People have been victims of name-calling, hate mail, and obscene phone calls due to interracial dating. The greater the color or difference in appearance, the more the couple will be noticed. Not only does that couple have to deal with the normal stresses of a dating and marriage, they also have to deal with the results of challenging what society dictates as "right."

But more and more people are willing to take the chance: “It is nice to be with someone who has a whole different background and view on things,” says one caucasian woman, dating a Mexican Jewish man. Another states: "I'm in an interracial marriage, I'm white he's Native American, and my family absolutely loves him. I'm just really happy my family has been really open minded no matter who I or my sisters have dated (my older sister has a black boyfriend and they have twin boys)."

When you choose a mate, it is about your happiness, not the opinions and beliefs of other people. As the War and Peace lyrics go:

"Love has no color
Believe in love
Love has no color
Believe in love
You know you know you know you gotta believe
Believe in love."

I'm keeping my baby

What should you do if you are pregnant by a man who is not in the picture anymore? One of my dear friends asked me about this:

"Please comment on the issue of having a baby by a guy you got pregnant by mistake and don't want to marry but your biological clock doesn't allow the option not to have the baby. This happened to my step-daughter who is a career woman. She is almost 37, had broken up with her long time boy friend who had trouble with commitment and dated a guy a month after the break up, very briefly, who she never intended to ever see again.

"She was having protected sex as always, but something went wrong and was shocked to find that she had gotten pregnant. After examining her options and the fact that she has wanted a baby for so long she made a decision to have the child but the guy is not anyone she would ever consider marrying. At her age, she might not have another shot at a child even if she meets someone she falls in love with in the future.

"She is due this June and has all of our family's support. We're all really excited and supportive so I'm sure she'll be fine. She is very attractive and I believe she'll meet someone nice in the future. This is difficult for a woman like her who didn't picture having her first child this way but she's happy about having a child finally."

My response: In this case, main criteria should be love and attention and care. Those are the most essential parental qualifications. If they can be provided by a single mother, or two mothers or two fathers, or an extended family, so be it. Indeed, it might be better to keep an unqualified or uncaring biological father out of the picture, if doing so will allow a single mother to give her children the love and attention and care they need. If a father's presence disrupts or diminishes the love and attention and care children require, then he is not needed.

The reverse would also then be true. There could be situations where a mother is the problem. If a father can do the job better by himself, if the mother is abusive or addicted or whatever, then there is nothing magic about keeping her around. Yes, such separations can be painful for children. They should only be considered if the the amount of love and attention and care would be increased. That might be a hard calculation to make but it would, I believe, serve the "best interests of the children.

In the case of my friend's step-daughter, being attractive and conscientious, her family is confident that she will attract someone into her life that will be glad to be a dad to her child. He will love both her and the child in the way they both deserve to be loved. In the meantime, this baby will be born into a family that welcomes it with affection and happiness--which is a great environment for any child.

But if you do not have the support system of a loving family behind you, be aware of how difficult it is to be a single parent, work full-time, and have a little time for your own self-growth and personal happiness.
Some people disagree. They, like Glenn T. Stanton (Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs and Senior Analyst for Marriage and Sexuality at Focus on the Family), believe that children need both fathers and mother because of the different parenting style:

1. "Mothers are more likely to provide warm, nurturing care for a crying infant." (My comment: Some very tender and nurturing fathers will object to this statement.)

2. "Fathers tend to play with, and mothers tend to care for, children. While both mothers and fathers are physical, fathers are physical in different ways. Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air. Fathers are louder at play, while mothers are quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and fathers bounce them. Fathers roughhouse while mothers are gentle. One study found that 70 percent of father-infant games were more physical and action oriented while only 4 percent of mother-infant play was like this."

3. "Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage equity. One style encourages independence while the other encourages security."

4. "Mothers and fathers discipline differently. "Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, which teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy in the midst of disobedience, which provide a sense of hopefulness."

5. "Fathers and mothers prepare children for life differently: Dads tend to see their child in relation to the rest of the world. Mothers tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child."

6. "Fathers provide a look at the world of men; Mothers, the world of women."

If you can provide all these things for your child without a father figure, you are ahead of the game. For part of my childhood, my grandfather was my father figure, and a great one too. So think of all the ways you can provide a balanced life for your child. Because, once you have that child, your life will not be about "you" anymore. It will be always include your baby.