Men Will Be Extinct: Appreciate Them Now

Men face mass extinction because male genes are dying out, according to researchers. What would the world be without men? Some women might think it's a good idea.

But my advice is to love and cherish the men in your life right now because it's probably that the male gender won't be around in generations to come.

"Men are on the road to extinction as their genes shrink and slowly fade away," Professor Jennifer Graves, a genetic expert warned. She is a researcher in human sex chromosomes who says that the male Y chromosome is dying and could one day run out. But don't worry just yet - the change is not due to take place for another five million years.

But all is not lost. She said men may follow the path of the vole (a type of rodent) which still manages to reproduce despite not having the vital genes that make up the Y chromosome.
"You need a Y chromosome to be male," said Prof Jennifer Graves. "Three hundred million years ago the Y chromosome had about 1,400 genes on it, and now it's only got 45 left, so at this rate we're going to run out of genes on the Y chromosome in about five million years.

"The Y chromosome is dying and the big question is what happens then."

The male Y chromosome has a gene (SRY) which switches on the development of testis and pumps out male hormones that determine maleness. In her lecture, entitled "The Decline and Fall of the Y Chromosome and the Future of Men," Prof Graves discussed the disappearance of the Y chromosome and the implications for humans.

She said it was not known what would happen once the Y chromosome disappeared. "Humans can't become asexual like some lizards, because several vital genes must come from the male," she continued. "But the good news is that certain rodent species - the mole voles of Eastern Europe and the country rats of Japan - have no Y chromosome and no SRY gene.

"Yet there are still plenty of healthy male mole voles and country rats running around. Some other gene must have taken over the job and we'd like to know what that gene is."

The scientist said there were several genes which could take over from SRY, adding whichever one did take over is based purely on chance.

"It is even possible that two or more different sex-determination systems based on different genes could arise in different populations," she added. "These could no longer reproduce with each other, leading to two different species of humans."

It's true, we won't be around in 5 million years to see the results of the disappearance of the Y chromosome. But it still gives us pause to stop and appreciate males as they exist today. It is difficult to imagine a world without men. A world of only women seems impossible. Let's hope that, another chromosome will take over. That gene hasn't been determined yet.

It's too hard to imagine a world without male genes. One day women may go to museums just to see examples of the extinct male, the way we view dinosaurs today.

Romance and finance: Should I lend him money?

He borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want your money and you want it back now.

Or, you are like one of my friends who loaned $3,000 to the man in her life to pay for his car insurance. She found out that she wasn't going to see that money again. Pursuing it was futile. She needed the money but there came a point where she had to get real and let go. The frustration consumed her and it didn’t change the fact that not only wasn’t she getting the money back, but he ended up spending her money in reckless and irresponsible ways.
You need to ask yourself if you have any expectations of what you lending him this money means to him.

Here are the most common motives:

1. You lend him in money because you believe and expect that you will now be in a committed, serious relationship with each other. This is fantasy-type thinking. If I do this for you, you will do such and such for me. That is not how things work in romance. It cannot be forced and it cannot be bought.

2. You offer to lend him money even though you don’t actually have a relationship with him. You think you’re being helpful and that he should see you as he woman for him. This kind of desperation makes you look like you are buying your man. You are also placing expectations on him that he may not want to indulge.

3. You lend him money even though you don’t know where you stand and there is possibly the existence of another woman or women. The expectation is that if he takes the money, you will now be #1. What will you do when you discover that you’re not the only women he’s either borrowing money from, or already owes money to? Become part of a posse to get your piece of the action?

4. You lend him money because you think it will allow you to have more control over him. Someone who owes you money would realise not only how generous and great a girlfriend you are, but would quit any form of bad behavior because it would show their ingratitude. As a justification for believing this, you’ll tell yourself if someone did the same for you, you would demonstrate how grateful you were and recognise the love.

Control may be a problem here. We control with doing things and expecting to be rewarded back with exactly the type of relationship we want. But maybe the man we loaned money to is incapable of giving us that kind of relationship. He may be thinking that we’re a complete controlling pushover to be taken advantage of.

Here are some good rules about money and romance. Don’t lend money to a man:
--Who barely shows up for the relationship
--Who is not actually yours
--Who is unsure about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you
--If you don't know where you stand in the relationship

Some women keep doing and doing and doing to win over a man who doesn’t deserve it. But with lending money, there are financial consequences and the result may be that he will move on to the next woman, while you are left paying for it.

If he already has little or no integrity in other areas, why is he suddenly going to be a man of integrity with your money? As in every other area of your relationship, it's best not to project what you think and feel onto him. Just because you know you would be grateful, or believe you would pay it back in regular installments, or believe that you would pa back the money in one lump sum after the relationship ended, doesn’t mean that he shares the same views or attitudes.

If money you do discuss money with him, it should be a case of discussing how long the loan is going to be for, how it is going to be paid back, and what will happen in in case the relationship doesn't work out. Will the instalments still continue as is, or will he be expected to pay up in full? How romantic is that? That is why I say, "Romance and finance don't mix."

It's not that there cannot be money in relationships. But money is something that should never be a part of a romance that doesn’t exist, barely exists, or already has a lot of problems. Throwing money at the hole in your relationship will not stop the leak.

Secrets of the penis: Shape and size

In ”Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?” Jesse Bering at Scientific American, confesses that he has spent his life wondering why the human penis is "such a peculiarly shaped device." Here are his observations:

1. “The erect human penis is especially large compared to that of other primates, measuring on average between five and six inches in length and averaging about five inches in circumference.” Our closest living relative, the chimp, is nowhere near as large, even at its most excited phase.

2. Only the human phallus has such a distinctive mushroom cap-type head/glans. “Chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans have a much less extravagant phallic design, more or less all shaft.” Another unique attribute?

3. During sex, the penis swells inside the vagina and “occupies the vaginal tract, and with full penetration can even reach the woman’s cervix and lift her uterus.” So maybe size does matter after all.

4. Even though humans are relatively monogamous, especially when compared to other species, we weren’t always so loyal, which is why the human penis adapted to deal with competing sperm from other mates. The “semen displacement theory” suggests that the human penis is meant to deposit sperm as deep in the vagina as possible, outshooting sperm from other sexual partners, biology’s way of ensuring paternity.

5. Another way the human penis outsmarts the competition? By getting rid of the competition’s sperm. Human male “penises were sculpted in such a way that the organ would effectively displace the semen of competitors from their partner’s vagina, a well-synchronized effect facilitated by the ‘upsuck’ of thrusting during intercourse.” Basically, the frenetic thrusting not only encourages the penis to ejaculate, but it also flushes out the sperm left behind by prior partners.

6.Men also thrust deeper and faster after being reunited with partners they haven’t seen in awhile, which leads scientists to conclude that men want to make sure their partners aren’t impregnated by the competition while they’re away.

14 Sure-fire ways to tell he's interested

Body language cannot be denied. It can be a better way of communicating than through words. I extracted these 14 foolproof signs that a man wants to be (much) more than friends, from a book called Superflirt, by relationship expert Tracey Cox.

1. He'll give you an eyebrow flash: When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they like us back they raise their eyebrows too.

2. His lips part:If he likes what he sees, his lips will automatically part for a moment when your eyes first lock.

3. His nostrils flare and his face generally "opens": The raised brows, parted lips, flaring nostrils and wide eyes give the whole face a friendly "open" expression.

4. He'll try to attract your attention: Any exaggerated movement or gesture usually means he's trying to stand out from the group. Another giveaway: he'll unconsciously detach from his friends by standing slightly apart, hoping to be seen as an individual.

5. He'll stroke his tie or smooth his shirt: We all know what these preening gestures mean. They're the equivalent of the female lip lick - "I want to look good for you."

6. He'll smooth or muss up his hair (the male equivalent of the female "hair touch".)

7. His eyebrows remain slightly raised while you're talking: A slightly surprised, quizzical expression means he finds you fascinating. This is preferable to a man who looks at you with a smooth, relaxed brow and eyes. That one simply finds you boring.

8. He'll fiddle with his socks and pull them up: If a guy pulls up or adjusts his socks in your presence, it's an almost 100 per cent sign he's interested and trying to look his best.

9. Everything is erect: He'll stand with all his muscles pulled tight, to show his body off to best advantage. He'll also stand directly in front of you to show full attention, and lean forward to get closer.

10. He'll let you see him checking out your body: Some experts call it 'visual voyaging' - his eyes take a little cruise around your body, stopping momentarily at the prettiest ports. Don't kid yourself: he scanned your body automatically the second he laid eyes on you. The difference here is he's letting you see him do it. The message: I'm considering you as a sexual partner.

11. He'll give you a crotch display: He'll spread his legs while sitting opposite, to give you a crotch display. He's letting you have a good look at what's on offer.

12. He'll move into the "cowpoke stance:" The cowpoke is a primary male courtship gesture of the Western world. He locks his thumbs in his belt or belt loops, points his finger down towards his genitals, spread his legs about shoulder distance apart, and tilts his head to one side.

13. He'll touch his face a lot, while looking at you: If likes you, he'll stroke his cheek up and down with the back of his fingers, touch his ears, or rub his chin. It's a combination of nervous excitement, preening, and autoerotic touching.

14. He'll start squeezing his glass: When men are sexually interested, they start playing with circular objects. Why? They remind him of your breasts: his body is 'leaking' what's happening in his subconscious mind.

Advice: Being good at sex

"I’m 39 and have not had sex for 8 years. Before that I had only a few sex partners, though one in my early twenties was my partner of 3 years. In my mid twenties I explored my sexuality and had relationships with women. Since my late twenties I have ‘come back’ to heterosexuality, though it has always seemed more in my mind than anything else because I have not had a relationship nor sex for 6 years.

"A bad break up kept me out of the game for a long time but since I’ve moved on from that I just haven’t met anyone I’ve liked and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with. As a result, my self-esteem has taken a dive in recent years. I have had people interested in me during this time but I haven’t felt the same. However, I met someone 2 weeks ago, It was never going to be a serious relationship, he is much younger (27) and we have very little in common but we liked each other, so why not have some fun.

"We had sex for the first time on Fri and it was a disaster. I had not prepared myself (nor him!) for the fact that I would be so out of practice, inexperienced and not very good at all! It was embarrassing and a bit of a shock to me but I’ve since tried to get my head around it - of course I’m not going to be the great lover I imagined with so little practice under my belt! However, I’m now struggling with self esteem again.

"When I begin a new relationship, not only am I going to be thinking about the usual - am I interesting? Am I funny? But now - what happens when he discovers I’m terrible in bed and totally inexperienced? Obviously the way to get better at something is to practice but I’ve never slept around, picked up guys in bars. etc. The only sexual relationships I’ve had have been with people I care deeply about.

"During sex last Friday, the main problem for me was keeping the rhythm going so that we were moving together, I’d suddenly lose the pace or rhythm. Neither of us came and it was embarrassing. So, this may seem a ridiculous question but how can I get better at it without having to put myself through this embarrassing time after time. Is there anything I can practice on my own or do with the person I’m in bed with to help me? (He held my hips to help me move with him but it still didn’t work).

"A loving and understanding partner to help me, would obviously be the ideal solution, but in the absence of that is there anything I could do practically while I’m not in a relationship - other than sleeping around - or anything I can read that will help me? I’m open to any help and suggestions. Thanks, xxxxxxxxxx"

My Advice:
1. You have only known this guy for two weeks. If you are the type of person (like many) that needs to get to know someone and feel connected, before you sexually respond, two weeks is not enough time. Combine this with the apprehension you must have felt after not being in bed with anyone for a while and it’s no wonder that you wound up in your uncomfortable situation.

2. Rhythm is not always an automatic thing. You both need to find a rhythm that works for each other. If he gets caught up in his own rhythm instead of falling into yours, of course you will become mismatched as you try to catch up. Connected, comfortable, passionate, sex requires patience, sometimes. It also requires attraction. If the attraction isn't there, then why even bother? You will be using each other as human blow-up dolls.

3. Do you understand what you like during sex? While you may not have had much experience, it doesn’t stop you from knowing what turns you on. Tell the person you are in bed with what you like.

4. If you have to work that hard at it, it is obvious to me that you have not met the right person. This is because when you are truly interested and are in love with that person, all the questions about right and wrong technique fly out the window. You just want to be with them physically and your movements become natural as you enjoy yourself with them.

When it comes to being with someone, I suggest -
1. Take your time before you have sex. You are a person that needs to have sex with someone she knows and feels at ease with. Just having sex for fun, as you did the other night, is not your style, so no wonder it didn't work
.
2. Tell you sex partner that it’s been a while and to take their time. They’ll probably be turned on by this.

3. Have fun with foreplay. This again comes naturally when you really like a person. However, if you are going through the motions because you think this is what you should do, it won't work either.

4. Relax. When you give off tense vibes is kills the sexual pleasure for both.

5. Maybe you like women better and that is why sex with a man does not come naturally to you.

If your self-esteem is tied to your sexual abilities, you’re putting yourself in an awkward position. You won't have good sex because you are so worried about how bad you are in bed. Then you will be bad in bed and your self-esteem will plummet further. Then you will be afraid next time the sexual opportunity crops up.

I realize that the reason you haven't had sex for a long time is because you are recovering from a break-up. But you can set yourself free from past relationships, have closure, and move on. This will give you the freedom to enjoy yourself--with or without sex, with a man, or possibly in your case, a woman. And it may just be that: Being with a man does not turn you on and therefore it is a struggle instead of your natural instinct taking over.

Why are Some Couples so Happy?

You love each other. Isn't that enough? Being happy with each other should be easy. Obviously, just loving each other it isn't enough. If you take a look at the divorce rate, which is 50% and some say as high as 60% after the first two years, love may not be enough at all.

Yet some couples are clearly much happier than others. I read through many of articles on how couples stay happy, here are the common denominators:

Be in love: Make a conscious decision to be in love. That means show that you are, instead of letting the daily grind take over. Take some time to show your continuing romantic feelings.

Let the good times roll: Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make time to have fun together and not just do everything that needs to be done for the house, work, and taking care of business.

Express yourself: Make your partner feel secure in your love so they can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Otherwise they shut down because they fear you will come at them with an argument or hurt feelings and the silent treatment.

Be with them when you are with them: Keep your mind in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the person who gave you a hard time at work, or all the work you could be getting done while you are just enjoying time with your partner. I'm sure you have been to a restaurant where the gentleman is on the cell phone the whole dinner, while his lovely lady is sitting there staring off into space. Or the reverse can be true. It happens enough now. You are with him or her, not talking to your friends or doing business.

Keep looking good: Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter. Sometimes people think they can slack off once they are in a relationship. They stop shaving, don't wash, wear ill-fitting clothes. This can take its toll on romance.

Enjoy each other's differences: Unhappy couples focus on the ways they are different. Happy couples focus on their similarities and think their differences are interesting. Allow each other to be individuals and don't expect to be siamese twins with the same opinions and favorite activities.

Find solutions instead of blame: Problem-solve together, and in a loving way solve your problems together instead of pointing fingers at each other and getting out all your ammunition for the big war.

Get it on: Make time for sex or it will be swamped by all the stuff you need to do to survive, take care of business, and just maintain your life.

Tell it like it is: Don't expect to read each others' minds. Always clear up misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.

Time out: Me-time is good. Even in the closest relationship, everyone needs time alone. Don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spend time alone or with your friends.

All of the above should be easy, right? But like the Ten Commandments, they are easy but many people find them difficult to follow. However, there is no doubt that if people would pay attention to these precepts, the happiness rate would go up and the strife in relationships would go down. The divorce rate would go down and children would not have to deal with the aftermath of broken marriages.

Personal ads: Demanding and funny

Some personal ads are ridiculous, especially when the writer is demanding. He or she sets out a set of criteria they want others to meet. While they are setting out these standards, they are revealing themselves to be clownish and amusing. Never mind whether they can meet their own demands.
For example, here is a man who wants the world. But before he tells you that, he wants you to know how disenchanted he is with the club scene:

"I'm looking for someone who is First of all faithful. If you have a bad habit of cheating no matter how well you are treated (in every way) then please move along. I don't go out to clubs. I've been there, done that got the T-shirt and moved on. besides people in clubs aren't real they only seem to live for the right now

instead of looking ahead. I'm looking for a lady that likes to keep in shape. Big beautiful ladies, you are great but it's not what i'm looking for. I'm looking for Beautiful, smart, trustworthy, classy, and a bit naughty. I don't think i'm asking for too much. what do you think?"

I'm going to test you
Here is someone who lets you know how angry, hurt, bitter and wounded they have been by their past relationships. They are shouting:

"DONT NEED GAMES/DRAMA! LET NATURE TAKE IT'S COURSE! LEAVE A SMILE OR MSG AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU AS ASOON AS I CAN HAVE FUN HOPE U FIND WHAT UR LOOKING FOR IM L00KIN 4 MEN BTWN THE AGES 0F 26-35 0NLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

There better be chemistry!
Here is a nice lecture on what it means to be a partner. Listen up or you might not measure up:

"I would like to find someone that is a partner. We support each other in everyway. Its great when we’re sitting alone with that someone and you don’t have to say anything but still feel comfortable with the silence. This someone must like to have a good time going out and comfortable sitting at home watching movies. Someone that cares about other people and must be loving and affectionate. Someone that is not trying to impress everyone that they come into contact with. We have to have the chemistry otherwise, there is no hope."

Wino
Here is someone who wants a woman to be like a bottle of wine:
"I would say I'm looking for that woman that is like a special vintage wine. The one you never get rid of no matter how much money is offered to you . You keep it forever slowly savoring it's flavor. Taking a sip here and there but never emptying the bottle."

Balls
Finally, you better have balls, according to this lady:

"I need a guy who can show me a good time, cuz i get bored on my own. I'm just looking for love, and this is my last resort. I don't wanna be alone. I work at a dunkin donuts, it blows, but i support myself, and i like it. [...] P.s. if you don't have the balls to stand up for me, then please go away"

Want a boy? Eat Bananas

What a woman eats before pregnancy can influence the gender of her baby, according to research.
These 3 factors raise the odds of having boys:

--Having a hearty appetite
--Eating potassium-rich foods, including bananas
--Not skipping breakfast

"This fits with evidence from test tube fertilization that male embryos thrive best with longer exposure to nutrient-rich lab cultures," said Dr. Tarun Jain. He is a fertility specialist at University of Illinois.

"It just might be that it takes more nutrients to build boys than girls," he said. University of Exeter researcher Fiona Mathews, said the findings also fit with fertility research showing that male embryos aren't likely to survive in lab cultures with low sugar levels. Skipping meals can result in low blood sugar levels.

The research involved about 700 first-time pregnant women in the United Kingdom who didn't know the sex of their fetuses. They were asked about their eating habits in the year before getting pregnant.

Among women with the highest-calorie intake before pregnancy (but still within a healthy range), 56 percent had boys, versus 45 percent of the women with the lowest-calorie intake.
Women who ate at least one bowl of breakfast cereal daily were 87 percent more likely to have boys.

Compared with the women who had girls, those who had boys ate an additional 300 milligrams of potassium daily on average, "which links quite nicely with the old wives' tale that if you eat bananas you'll have a boy," Mathews said.

Women who had boys also ate about 400 calories more daily than those who had girls, on average, she said.

Butt, but, but: The trend in butt implants

Are you willing to spend up to $10,000 for a bigger, firmer butt? Thousands of women and men have gotten butt implants to make themselves more sexually attractive. They're willing to shell out the cash as well as travel to Argentina and Brazil to make their butts bigger or perkier. It is part of the designer body and face trend, which ranges from the inflated trout pout lip to the "design-a vagina," to the all-over insanity of The Cat Lady who distorted her features to look more like a cat (and ended up looking like a lion with leprosy).

Fix-a-butt
Lack of self-confidence compels people to re-create their bodies to the extent it has been happening in recent history. They may feel that they are sexually unattractive as they are because of unrealistic media images and their own self-hatred. If only their butts stuck out like J-Lo's all their problems would be solved. But as with all plastic surgery, butt augmentation has its down-side. With buttock augmentation, there is a possibility that the implants may shift and cause the buttocks to appear asymmetrical. Another complication is that the butt implants may rupture, or break. Many times patients will not be aware of complications until days or months after the procedure has been performed.

Ouch!
The implants are made from silicone. The procedure takes about an hour and a half and is often performed by making an incision in the fold between the buttock "cheeks" and inserting a solid silicone implant into the pocket below the gluteus muscle and above the pelvic bone. The implants do not move. As with all implants the body may reject them.

Bowling balls
Sometimes, as in the picture, the results are so unnatural as to be grotesque. Also they may feel like bowling balls. The butt implants may feel too hard to touch, so even if you do not have scars, your partner may figure out that your butt is not your own. It is, but it is not your original butt.

Ouch again!
The recovery period is long and can be problematic. The usual complications such as bleeding, infections, are not very sexy. As Doctor Jan Adams from the TV program "Plastic Surgery - Before and After" said, "You do not walk with your breasts." But you do use your butt to walk, sit, and sleep. Dr Adams was referring to the fact that butt implants have some unique challenges to heal during the recovery period. For instance, you cannot sleep on your back or sit for long periods of time, and that can make the whole process of recovery somewhat challenging for most women.

As with most implants, it is a life long commitment. You have to maintain a stable weight and you may need to change the implants after a 10-year period. Pregnancy may affect the original results as well.

Deadly
If you think that silicone injections are safer than the full implant, think again. They can result in death, as they did recently for a lady in the Bronx.

Plastic people
Plastic bodies with oversized flotation devices for breasts and hardened balloons for butts are the next step towards the totally artificial person. Who are you after you have undergone so many surgeries? Who is being loved? Who is doing the attracting? Is it the plastic surgeon who created the new you? Are you both composites of silicone and other materials?

I recommend natural bodies,with all their flaws and idiosyncrasies--feeling pleasure and love, without the possibility of fatal complications or ridiculous results.

4 or 8 inches: Does size matter?

All the penis enlarging products that flood the market, from pumps to pills and stretching make me believe that men live in constant fear that their manhood is not big enough. What they don't realize is that a recent study, involving 800 men of all shapes, races, and sizes, concluded that the average penis size is 5.5 inches.

 That's not gigantic, is it? So relax if you are not packing like a porn star.

It's how you work it
I have talked with a lot of women who say things like, "It's not the size, it's what you do with it." Or "I've been with men who are huge but they didn't know how to satisfy a woman. It was just bang, bang, bang and all I was getting was sore." Another said, "I'd rather have a large one but it better be attached to a man who knows what he's doing."

Many women find that a man who is built smaller will compensate with other lovemaking skills. They become more proficient with their tongues and hands. There are so many ways to make love, why think it all hinges on a 7" magic wand? So men, don't hinge your self-esteem on your penis. At least it doesn't matter all that much to the average woman.

I have found that the average women simply doesn't care about size--except if it is so small it feels like a noodle in a wind tunnel. Even then, if a woman loves you, she will find other ways of having physical fun with you. Once in a while someone will say it is very important. But if a woman knows her own body, she will be able to extract pleasure from even a small penis that's not fully tumescent.

For many women, penises are interesting and they are turned on by feeling them get hard. But women care more about whether you wash yourself and smell good, rather than what it looks like.

Quality time
In a recent poll taken among women, 82% agree that the quality of sex is much more important than quantity. In fact, many well hung men are known to be lousy lovers. All they think they need to do is flash it at the woman and she's supposed to get all weak in the knees. And because they are so proud of their length and girth, they think the woman will have an orgasm just looking at it. So they don't do anything but hump away until they come and the woman is left with a big question mark in her head and a stretched out va-jay-jay. However, a penis of any size, if used properly, can satisfy her and provide her with passion and lust.

He beats me but . . .

Talking about her boyfriend, a reader wrote, "I don't want the child growing up with a father that kicks in doors, smashes ceilings, and has uncontrollable rages. That's just not the atmosphere you want around a child--no less an adult. He doesn't put his fist through the walls every day. But enough so that I don't want a child growing up with that kind of unpredictable destruction.

"But if you met him, you'd think, what a nice guy. He's so sweet and mild mannered. And he tell me how sorry he is."

She still loves him. She believes that he can change, despite a therapist describing him as a “psychopath with a limited emotional span.”

Nice killer
Don't try to change or make excuses for him. Being with an abuser just because sometimes he is a nice guy is like eating the bright red poisoned apple. It may be attractive, but it is deadly in all respects. A serial killer can be charming and can even be kind to people when it serves his purpose, but that doesn’t mean that you can suddenly write off all of his murders. He helps old ladies cross the street. Yes, so he can kill them.

The "when he's nice" trap
This is where anyone in an abusive relationship keeps falling into the trap: Focusing on the nice behavior displayed by these men (often at the beginning of the relationship) and ignoring the consistently bad behavior.

He's sorry
This guy is an abuser by nature. Part of the abusive behavior is to say they're sorry. They may even mean it. But the pattern will emerge again whenever something triggers their irrational rage. Do you want to come home to a place that looks like a bomb site? Stop making excuses for this man's behavior and telling me how nice he is. It's is like when a woman with an abusive man says who says he is truly sorry for smashing in her face. He apologized and now all will be well again, right? Even though he broke her nose and jaw and she lost an eye. Besides, if she hadn't said such and such he wouldn’t have beat her!

The pattern
Stop it now. Abusers follow a pattern that is important to learn. They abuse, maybe apologize, maybe blame you for why they did it, and then THEY DO IT AGAIN.

Clinging to sickness
My reader is ignoring red flag behavior and fatal flaws in the relationship because she doesn’t want to let go. She is focused on the good moments, and she essentially knows no better. But now that a child is coming into the picture, she is at least separating herself from him physically. Yet she still clings to him emotionally.

In situations like this, she is gravitating to the level of emotional sickness that she is comfortable with. She may feel that she does not deserve better. And that somewhere deep inside she is a bad girl who must be punished. If this is so, she is setting herself up for a lifetime of pain. His problems are bigger than her or the relationship.

Love isn't enough
You can’t just decide “I love him” and then bestow your love on him as if it has some magical healing power. It's like bringing home a moldy, runny tomato from the grocery store and sending love vibrations to make it fresh and whole again. The world doesn’t work like that and there are millions of women out there that are living witnesses and testimonies to this.

Think of the child
So don't fool yourself. Think of the child and what you want for your baby. You don't want that new life to be growing up in an environment of abuse. Unfortunately, abuse tends to perpetuate abusive behavior. Practically all abusive people have received similar treatment as children. The cycle must be broken. The only way to break it is to have enough self-esteem to know you deserve better and stop making excuses for his behavior. Move on.

When, when, when?: Hoping and Waiting for the Right One

A lady confided to me, "I used to be into selfish and emotionally unavailable men. I stopped dating them after reading your book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware. But can you tell me why I haven’t met a decent guy yet or when I’m going to meet him? I’m starting to lose hope."

Worry vibes
Because of the ways the rules of attraction work, if you are constantly worried about not meeting a good mate, you will be sending out vibrations of worry and desperation. What kind of men are attracted by worried and desperate women? The types that take advantage of this weakness. Or who may be as worried and insecure as you are. Or who will get tired of your emotionally clinging needs.

Center of your universe
Therefore, It is time to stop making men the focal point of your universe. However, sometimes it takes time and patience. And just because you have done well spending a few days by yourself without a man, don't expect instant results. Until you are really clear on who you are without the prop of a man, Mr. Wonderful will not come into your life.

You're top priority
You must trust in yourself and believe that you are a top priority, build your self-esteem, and create a life driven by you full of positivity. Then, at some point, you’ll meet someone who will be drawn into your circle of love like a magnet. And they will love you because of who you are, not be the object of a clinging, needy, emotionally scattered mess.

Love yourself
Focus on enjoying your life, getting healthy and strong, and loving yourself. If you meet a guy, fine. But don't lose your mind or life over him. People who are truly committed to having a higher self-esteem, do not base it on a man or a relationship. They can validate themselves and not depend on others to do it.

Mirrors of ourselves
In relationships, you choose or engage with men that reflect the things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. This is why it’s important to value yourself and your life. You need to know when to let go of bad investments so that you don’t waste time. And you need to ensure that you’re doing things that benefit you and make you feel good.

Be happy
If you’ve been spending a significant portion of your life in relationships, that make you unhappy, it’s time for you to change. Start by not placing all of your happiness in the hands of The Dirty Seven, or hoping for a man that hasn't shown up yet. Get happy now!

The 4 Rules of Attraction

How do I attract someone into my life? When it comes to sex and relationships, "attraction" means different things to different people. Some women find the bad boys with problems attractive, some men find the cute little silly girls attractive. Those things are a matter of taste and cannot be fully explained. But here are some general rules that can make a difference:

Appearance
Look like you care about it. You don't have to be Halle Berry or Tyson Beckford, but look like you care about yourself. As good a person as you are inside, the exterior is what most of us notice first. If people pass on you because you are wearing dirty, torn sweats and have unwashed hair--they never will get to know the great person you know you are.

Attractive looks will only take you or your mate so far, of course. If the only reason you are with a person is because they look good to you and nothing else, the attraction will get old and die of its own accord. But it makes sense to make an effort with your appearance, because it shows you care about yourself. At least cover the basics:

--Hair groomed (no dandruff all over your shoulders)
--Clean teeth (no spinach, meat, or gunk between your teeth)
--Fresh breath (do not smell like a week-old pizza with all the toppings)
--Clean clothes (BO is not a turn-on for most)

Other items are "in the eye of the beholder." For example, a guy wearing dress socks with sandals and shorts turns me off because it looks like he is clueless. But he might remind another woman of her father and she loves that feeling. Or, I might learn that he is clueless about clothes but knows how to take care of a woman in all respects.

Vibration and Energy
A positive outlook will draw in people that reflect the positive things that you feel about yourself and life. All of life is about vibrations and energy. Sex and relationships are no different. If you want to be attractive to people who want to live the same positive life you want, you radiate that positivity first. I don't mean be Pollyanna from Joyland, just optimistic, inspiring, and someone it is uplifting to be with.

Security within yourself
Find a way to be secure and grounded. Needy, desperate people telegraph these vibes. It is not attractive to see a clingy, insecure, person who fears being alone. It’s not attractive to place the responsibility for your happiness on one person and get it solely from them.

Don't Front
We all have a tendency to put on our party manners during the dating period, but the reality is that the ongoing attraction is created by getting to know the real you. Don’t pretend and start acting happier than you actually feel--your vibrations will betray you.

Crying over a Man: What's up?

I was with a woman who was crying over a man the other night. He had been cheating on her for most of the relationship with two different women and she finally found out. She was crying a lot. Most of the day and night--and her puffy eyes bore witness to it.

But she wasn't crying because she was hurt that her guy was a creep. I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, or being taken for a fool. But she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She sobbed, "He's the center of my world. What am I going to do now?”

I meet a lot of women crying over their men but:

--It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it.
--It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a guy who treated you like dirt.

Anger
If you’re upset about the what he has done, at least you can progress to anger and move on from that. You can grieve for the relationship, and get over him.

Obsession
If you’re crying because you’re not with the jerk and you miss his company, the sex, how he made you feel, you will continue to obsess over him him and the relationship. Then you will start saying to yourself:

"It was probably me. I wasn't good enough for him. What if I had worn that sexy outfit instead of sweats the other night? Maybe I've been too busy at work. Maybe I'm not pretty or thin enough. On and on you will go, blaming yourself. What does she have that I don't have?

Emotional investment
Women have cried a lot of tears and obsessed about what should have been, could have been. Tears, upset, anger, blame, and shame are all natural when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.

Deserve better
But if you're crying, ask yourself why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s a cheater and a liar, you need to look inside to see what kind of image you have of yourself. Maybe you think you don't deserve better.

If that is the case, you will be crying over the next man who will do the same thing to you. Until you get a sense of self-worth, you will be dumped and cheated on again.

Move on
If you say to yourself, "This guy got over on me. He wasn't who I thought he was. I'll let him go and get ready to attract someone who will really love me and will deserve my love. . . " you will be able to move on and chalk Mr. Badboy up to one of the casualties of the mating game.

The Bad Boy: The lust and the drama

"My niece had decided to cut off contact with her family to lay up with a lazy bum who doesn't want to work and had already fathered kids by at least 2 different women and doesn't support them. Before these twins (he is having with her) he has also an infant who may be about 1 now." This is what one of my friends wrote. She is taking care of that niece's child right now as the aftermath of her niece's bad choices.

Why do so many women turn their backs on their families so they can be with the "bad boys?"

Chasing Mr. Bad Boy
When we were little girls, none of us said, “Mama, when I grow up, I want to go out with a bad boy," yet oddly enough, many a woman has dedicated herself chasing and attempting to tame bad boys with more ferocity than they dedicate to their careers.

What's wrong with Mr. Nice?
The frightening thing is that women chase men that treat them mean , get hurt, but still won’t try a "nice" guy. When they do, the "nice" guy spends a lot of time working on and attempting to repair the damage created by her experiences with "bad" guys. The women that chase the bad guy often penalise the future partners for the bad choices that they’ve made in the past.

It hurts so good
I see so many women that appear to love to be treated badly, it’s bewildering. Why have some women become conditioned to believe that love comes in the form of a man that can't be good to her in any way, shape or form--except possibly in the bedroom? Is it possible that we have watched so many movies, read so many books, been impressionable so young, that we have become convinced that there must be a roller-coaster drama for it to constitute the big love and if there isn’t sparks flying and fireworks shooting out of our va-jay-jays when we get with a guy, then it can’t be meant to be?

Thrill of the chase
The reason why women chase bad boys may be because of the thrill of the chase, the occasional hints of a better character, and the twisted notion that these guys are "men."

Bad boys can manage to be nice to these women and give them just enough attention to keep them hanging on. The attention may come in the form of sex, gifts, taking them out from time to time, but then they disappear leaving the woman confused. There are bad boys who make the woman the legitimate girlfriend, but their behaviour makes it clear that they have other interests.

Nice friends
In my book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I address the weird notion that guys seem like more of a man when they treat you like crap. If a guy is really nice, women discard him into the "friend" pile with the word "nice" cropping up repeatedly. He’s also often completely disregarded as boring and some women will wonder if he’s gay because he’s being so nice. It seems that a guy can be "nice" but not nice to us in a relationship capacity.

If we have to work for his attention constantly and we’re never really quite sure of how he feels about us, we want him. It’s as if we have an in-built mechanism where the attraction seems to kick in when they guy is elusive, misbehaves, or just has a general disregard for us. All of this translates to exciting. The "nice"’ guy is made to feel inferior for having good intentions and the manners and respect he was raised with.

Ms. Fix-it
We need to let go of this idea that we can fix and change these bad guys. We need to develop self esteem. It is frightening to think that we would take a guy walking all over us and treating us like crap, over a man that wants to be nice to us. We thrive on drama but we need to switch our focus to building relationships with men that want to love us properly. If we changed our attitudes and addressed our individual fascinations with men that mistreat us, I think that we’d find that our eyes would open up to guys that aren’t creating a load of drama to keep us in their lives.

Soap operas
Lust, big ding-dongs, dependency, and even a misguided need to prove to yourself that you can nab him are just some of the reasons why a woman will keep chasing the drama. But these are not the foundations of solid relationships. It’s no wonder relationships fail and marriages fail. The very basis of our relationships is built on ridiculous, soap opera values.


For more info: See The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware.

First date: What not to say

Some people spew their guts on their first date: "I see a shrink twice a week, I have a hard time getting it up; I'm taking meds for depression; and how nervous I am because it's been so long since I've been on a date. These are all bad topics that you should avoid on a first date. If there's a questionable or uncomfortable problem that's on your mind, hold off on it until you get to know each other better.

Here are some definite no-no's:

Your exes
In my book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware, I talk about ScarMan. He rags on and on about his ex, whether she was a saint or a sinner. There's ScarBaby too, the lady who rants on and on about her ex, how he dumped her, mistreated her, abused her, etc. Your date's romantic fantasies about you will be overshadowed by images of that other "mate" whom you're still not over. Unless, of course, you have kids from your earlier marriage, and they're a big part of your life. Since that's something that might be a deal-breaker, and understandably so, mention it early on, but don't go on and on about how your kids are the better than anyone's.

Your sexual one-night-stands
Don't mess up a date by drinking too much and then telling your date about what a nympho you used to be, or how you used to sleep with anything that walked. No one needs you to overshare about the times you had casual sex with other people in the back seat of your Chevy!

Your messed-up childhood
If your childhood was unhappy, don't treat your date as a shrink and carry on about how mommy or daddy didn't love you. Save it for later, when you know each other better.

Your mental problems
Avoid mention of any psychopharmaceutical drugs you might be taking and how often you go to the shrink because you can't cope. I once went out with a man who told me on the first date, "I never do anything without calling my shrink first." That was good information. It let me know to pass on him for any future encounters.

No work or hate work
It's not a big turn on to learn that you have no visible means of support. You should mention that you don't have a 9-to-5 but also emphasize how you're looking for something new, have some great prospects, and are feeling hopeful about the future. And if you got a hefty severance check, or have a nice cushy amount saved up in the bank, go ahead and throw that in there, too.
If you do have a job, don't carry on too long about how you hate everyone there including your boss. Your date will wonder if it's you or them that has the problem.

Financial problems
Don't laugh over how broke you are and how you are maxed out on your credit cards. When you finally you do bring it up, and not on the first date, be sure to also talk about the plan you have to dig yourself out of the hole.

All of the above can make that first date be your last.

Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right

"I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine," says one young woman. But does this hurt her in the long run?

Emotions
I say yes. The way women are constructed makes it emotionally difficult for them to hit and run in the bedroom. The author Laura Sessions Stepp wrote a book on the subject: Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. She says "The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women.

Oxytocin and testosterone
"In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why."

Different design
Women, because they are the bearers and nurturers of children, are not designed by nature to have casual sex and feel all right about it. That is may be why alcohol-consumption rates are going up in women. They are taking part in these one-night-stand sexual encounters, believing they should be strong about it. And they' do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. And they drink to dull the pain of the day after.

Risks
Casual sex has the well-known risks of sexually transmitted diseases but another risk is depression. Surveys show that, due to oxytocin, the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to be the aftermath.

Casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern. As Stepp says, "Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage."

So, sure, go out and find a man who turns you on and have fun with him, but don't hook up with him so soon. Wait until you know him better. The sex will be better too.

Love and Weight: Fat and Happy

People usually lose weight in the first few weeks of a new relationship. Eating a lot seems besides the point as they float in a dream of bliss. Also, appetite-suppressing adrenaline is pumping through their bodies and they are motivated to look good for their new love.

But I have noticed that after a few months, people in a cozy relationship start gaining pounds. A study from the University of North Carolina found that, over the course of five years, women in relationships in their late teens and early twenties put on more weight than single girls do.
And the stronger the bond, the greater the weight gain: Women who live with their men see the scale climb three additional pounds, and those who get married add an extra nine.

Why the poundage?
When you’re in love, “You consume 35 percent more food when you eat with someone you like,” says Brian Wansink, PhD, author of Mindless Eating. Then there are those bottles of romantic bottles of wine that you wouldn't drink on your own. “Unfortunately, the booze adds calories, lowers your willpower, and makes you more prone to diet-wrecking late-night eating,” says NYC nutritionist Martha McKittrick.

“After you’ve been in love for six months or so, the bonding hormone oxytocin takes over,” says psychologist Belisa Vranich. “It triggers cravings for comfort foods.” Comfort foods are fatty foods" ice cream, pizza, chips with lots of guacamole, mozzarella sticks, fries, popcorn with lots of butter, anything with lots of butter.

Skipping the gym
On top of that, skipping your Saturday morning gym routine to snuggle in bed, accelerates the downward spiral. Now, not only are you not moving enough but you need to have a romantic breakfast, with all the trimmings afterwards. Yes, sex burns calories, but not like a spinning or aerobics class. Before long, pounds are piling on.

Trouble ahead
Now trouble can brew in the relationship. “You think, I can pack on a few because he loves me for who I am,” says Vranich. “But your guy’s worrying that if he stays with you, you’ll balloon even more.” Also studies have shown that women's self esteem about their bodies plummet and make them feel self-conscious their bodies and thus be less provocative in bed.

Men can eat more
"Men require 25 to 40 percent more calories than women do, so take a third less than his portion,” advises McKittrick. Adds Wansink: “Studies show that the more attention a woman pays to how much she consumes on a date, the less she’ll eat. So right away understand that you are not created equal at the dinner table. A man's metabolism will burn up the fat faster than a woman's.

Work it
So don't skip your favorite kickboxing class, just because you are in love. Involve each other in active dates, like hiking, running, or biking. Couples who resolved to improve their eating and exercise habits together were shown to lose weight and maintained a healthy lifestyle 16 months later.